Ray Bradbury, My Mr. Electrico

"Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a land mine. The land mine is me. After the explosion, I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces back together. Now, its your turn. Jump!" Zest. Gusto. Curiosity. These are the qualities every writer must have, as well as a spirit of adventure."

One night driving home from a long night of massaging, I listened intently to my favorite paranormal radio program "Coast to Coast AM" (10pm-2am)and George Norry was interviewing Ray Bradbury. I knew nothing of his books nor did I know he was the writer for the "Twilight Zone" series. His energy, his positivity, his connectedness to creative energy affected me in a profound way. I went on and on about the interview to "T". He said "Wow he really got ya' didn't he?" He did. He is a treasure and I can't wait to read everything he has ever written. I am such a dork that I am going to his 87Th birthday party/opening night of his latest theatre production on Sept. 7 here in LA. I must meet him! I came across the little, understated add in the LA weekly and had a small silent cow over it( at Peets coffee).
Words cannot describe how I feel about this man! Click on this pic -of dandelion seeds no less- and read just a taste of what initially drew me to this amazing soul!
I'm off to SF at 5 am. Hopefully I'll be able to write an entry up there.
Here is another exerpt I found on his site that I must share..
Hello again!

At the end of my last web-site talk I promised to tell you about how I happened to fall into becoming a writer.

Some of it was gradual, and part of it was accidental.

Back when I was twelve years old I was madly in love with L. Frank Baum and the Oz books, along with the novels of Jules Verne and H.G. Wells, and especially the Tarzan books and the John Carter, Warlord of Mars books by Edgar Rice Burroughs. I began to think about becoming a writer at that time.

Simultaneously I saw Blackstone the Magician on stage and thought, what a wonderful life it would be if I could grow up and become a magician.

In many ways that is exactly what I did.

It was an encounter with another magician that changed my life forever.

During the Labor Day week of 1932 a favorite uncle of mine died; his funeral was held on the Labor Day Saturday. If he hadn't died that week, my life might not have changed because, returning from his funeral at noon on that Saturday, I saw carnival tent down by Lake Michigan. I knew that down there, by the lake, in his special tent, was a magician named Mr. Electrico.

Mr. Electrico was a fantastic creator of marvels. He sat in his electric chair every night and was electrocuted in front of all the people, young and old, of Waukegan, Illinois. When the electricity surged through his body he raised a sword and knighted all the kids sitting in the front row below his platform. I had been to see Mr. Electrico the night before. When he reached me, he pointed his sword at my head and touched my brow. The electricity rushed down the sword, inside my skull, made my hair stand up and sparks fly out of my ears. He then shouted at me, "Live forever!"

I thought that was a wonderful idea, but how did you do it?

The next day, being driven home by my father, fresh from the funeral, I looked down at those carnival tents and thought to myself, "The answer is there. He said 'Live forever,' and I must go find out how to do that." I told my father to stop the car. He didn't want to, but I insisted. He stopped the car and let me out, furious with me for not returning home to partake in the wake being held for my uncle. With the car gone, and my father in a rage, I ran down the hill. What was I doing? I was running away from death, running toward life.

When I reached the carnival grounds, by God, sitting there, almost as if he were waiting for me, was Mr. Electrico. I grew, suddenly, very shy. I couldn't possibly ask, How do you live forever? But luckily I had a magic trick in my pocket. I pulled it out, held it toward Mr. Electrico and asked him if he'd show me how to do the trick. He showed me how and then looked into my face and said, "Would you like to see some of those peculiar people in that tent over there?"

I said, "Yes."

He took me over to the sideshow tent and hit it with his cane and shouted, "Clean up your language!" at whoever was inside. Then, he pulled up the tent flap and took me in to meet the Illustrated Man, the Fat Lady, the Skeleton Man, the acrobats, and all the strange people in the sideshows.

He then walked me down by the shore and we sat on a sand dune. He talked about his small philosophies and let me talk about my large ones. At a certain point he finally leaned forward and said, "You know, we've met before."

I replied, "No, sir, I've never met you before."

He said, "Yes, you were my best friend in the great war in France in 1918 and you were wounded and died in my arms at the battle of the Ardennes Forrest. But now, here today, I see his soul shining out of your eyes. Here you are, with a new face, a new name, but the soul shining from your face is the soul of my dear dead friend. Welcome back to the world."

Why did he say that? I don't know. Was there something in my eagerness, my passion for life, my being ready for some sort of new activity? I don't know the answer to that. All I know is that he said, "Live forever" and gave me a future and in doing so, gave me a past many years before, when his friend died in France.

Leaving the carnival grounds that day I stood by the carousel and watched the horses go round and round to the music of "Beautiful Ohio." Standing there, the tears poured down my face, for I felt that something strange and wonderful had happened to me because of my encounter with Mr. Electrico.

I went home and the next day traveled to Arizona with my folks. When we arrived there a few days later I began to write, full-time. I have written every single day of my life since that day 69 years ago.

I have long since lost track of Mr. Electrico, but I wish that he existed somewhere in the world so that I could run to him, embrace him, and thank him for changing my life and helping me become a writer.


-Ray Bradbury, December 2001

Random facts about me

I lived in the jungle for nearly 10 years across 7 rivers.

I got stranded on a motu (small island) in Tahiti once for 12 hours with my best friend Alex.

I have been in two car accidents, one almost dropped me 2000 ft to my death but the truck stopped upside down with inches to spare. The other was last year and I broke my nose from my cable box ricocheting off the windshield. Good times.

I live alone and unless I am in love, I prefer it that way.

I love swanky Brazilian music.

I can't stand it when people put stuffed animals in their back windshields.

My whole family lives in St.Louis, mostly Italians. My Mom has 50 first cousins.

My father used to make used car commercials in the 80's and even used the phrase "if I don't give you 0 percent financing, I'll be a monkey's uncle." I'm not kidding.

I used to live with 10 heavy metal guys in a Victorian house in SF. I was shot at twice there. The Projects were across the street. I babysat a boa constrictor one summer and took it to the liquor store below the apartment building and scared the boys in the hood so bad they never messed with me again.

I have a half brother that is a foot and a half taller than me.

My Mother lives in an Air Stream off the coast of Mexico and is writing a book.

I like salty food way more than sweet food.

I was a Black Jack dealer for a while when I was 22.

I went to an alternative arts high school in Portland Or. There were 30 people in my graduating class and I know almost all of them to this day.

My father's mother ran away when he was 10 years old and he found her 8 years ago living in Louisiana. She had 4 kids with my Grandpa and another 4 with her new husband who knew nothing of her previous existence or other children.

I had a pet duck named "Clover" in Hawaii for 7 years. He was best friends with our Jack Russell terrier. They did everything together.

I lived in a machine shop for a summer in the mission district in SF. They called me “mamashop”.

Please don't put raisins in food. Just don't do it.


The shop

laughing is the antidote to idiot invasions

I should be going to bed but I need to write. What an interesting day indeed. I woke up with horrible cramps and a headache- hormones flying. I cancelled my massages and stayed in. I thought about this distracted, separate from myself feeling I've been having lately and really got that this physical relationship I have been having with the punk rock cowboy is NOT GOOD. I've felt like he was a fun movie but so NOT genuine. So lacking any real respect for me. He never asked about my life, commented on any topics that I brought up unless they pertained to his "persona" somehow, or made any plans with me outside of my house. He even did that annoying thing I hate. He would kiss me in the middle of my sentences. You have no idea how much that bugs me. As it should.
Here is the transcript of my ending this via text: (BTW, one strange factor in all this was that we did text and call each other several times a day. Always initiated by him. We had good wit together but no depth of soul.)

ME: You know Z, feeling a little weird about this have sex and leave deal. I'm not really comfortable with it.
HIM: Dude! I've known you for like 2 weeks, way 2 early for this. PMS?
(my thoughts not spoken*pls.don't call me dude, and it's been a month moron.)
ME: Well, I've never done THIS before. Have you? Maybe it's an LA thing. I've never slept with a guy I had never been in public with before.
HIM: Maybe this isn't the best idea
ME: Guess not. Was fun though (insert smiley face)
HIM: Yup, Good luck.
ME: Wow, you're cold.
HIM: I'm direct and don't mince words but call it what you want.
long pause...
HIM: And yes, it was fun.
That was that. Kinda strange to have the phone stop lighting up 6 times a day. It's always weird that two worlds can collide for any length of time and then nothing... Just dead air. I was pissed and felt totally used but it passed and I got perspective quickly. I'm happy I said it and I'm glad it has ended.
Then I got a call from my HILARIOUS, huge, friend Andy that I met through the guys (T) at the animation studio. He and a group of guy friends just got back from a fishing trip and had 4 huge Ahi tuna's they were grilling and asked if I would like to join them, girlfriends, wives, etc..I made myself go so I wouldn't sit here with that awful text vibe floating in the air.
So now I have just returned from 5 hours of laughing and eating with the greatest group of people ever. I must have been with the funniest people to ever have been in one space together without being at a comedy club. AND THE FOOD. Oh my God, it was amazing. They have their tuna grilling down to an art. Thank you life for unexpected life preservers and quality humans everywhere! I think I just made a whole new group of friends, genuine ones.

Him

I have been completely distant with blogger. I can't seem to write a thing. The truth is that it could be 1 of 3 things or all of the above:
1. I am so impressed with the writings of my new blog friend Jenn (as I was passing) and my talented Mamacita that I am shy these days. I want to focus! I want to ramble brilliantly! I want to remember the little tales of a day and gift people with details of my human mingling. I just can't seem to. Even e-mails are a chore, which immediately annihilates number one as a arguable reason for blog distance here.
2. I am totally confused about everything. I am sleeping with a man that could be the poster boy for "women in need of a hot, strapping, tall, dark, handsome, man call this number..." add and YET. I miss you know who. I MISS HIM. I miss the comfort. I miss the dependability (in his own weird way). I miss the friendship combined with passion. I mean, the dude held my hair back for 3 hours one night after I drank about 60 chocolate martinis. He brought bowls to the bed for me to puke in. He DISPOSED of them. He still slept with me again! I fell in front of the cab too, FYI. Didn't even make it to the door. I haven't EVER been that drunk in my life. He just kept saying, "it's the cream, it's the cream". Another time he drove all way to my house at 1am and took me to the emergency room for my black widow spider bite. He stayed the whole time sleeping in the waiting area. Once he loaded all the supplies in his car for my clients’ daughters 3rd birthday party and drove it all to the Santa Monica Pier. He even helped set it up and stayed to film the whole party for her. He had never met her but knew I was committed to helping and she was an important client of mine. We got corn dogs after we were dismissed and loved every bite of them.
He's the first guy/love interest I ever took walks with. Not the Sean kind where we would kill each other if we didn't take a walk in public to pipe down. These were real walks for exercise. We liked many of the the same books and movies. One time we took a 2-hour bath and took turns reading aloud to one another. Then we walked to breakfast in the sun. We went to a museum. We went on road trips. We took a class together(Sort of,I took it, he filmed it). We went out on the town together in Vegas, SF, and LA. We slept in a bunk bed at his Grandparents and woke up to biscuits and gravy. We liked each other’s friends.- I'm doing one of those crappy love story montages at the end of a sappy movie aren't I?
He called me about 2 weeks ago at 7:30 in the AM. His voice was quiet and sad. I miss last summer Stef, things were so simple and fun then". Yeah, me too, that was the stuff of life right there". We had a great talk that lasted over an hour. We both hung up elated at the idea of being friends again soon.
Then I went and fucked it all up. I'm having a crazy week. I drove to Ojai to a friends party and got really smashed on tequila, then got shuffled into Ojai proper for some of their friends going away party. I was soooooooo tired and drunk and who is standing there but T himself. We hugged, my legs wrapped around his waist like they do every time, automatically, for some reason they just end up like that. We got to the end of the bar to get a drink. About half way through my first SIP I knew I had to get out of there or I would start spinning. I said something drunk and horrible like " take me to your house right now". He said "no, I'm getting a drink for Terra and want to hang out for a while". (BTW it was only 10pm; I thought it was like 1AM). This was an outrage! Not leave with me now? Goodbye! The rest I am too ashamed to write but it involves a careless act that I never do. I am truly ashamed. I drove on very curvy, windy, back roads in that condition. It was so scary what I had just done that I was completely sober by the time I got to the 101 south and was back in my bed in LA by 11:30. I was in a lot of trouble once that cat got out of the bag. Six cell phone calls later. "YOU ARE WHERE? HOME? STEFANY!!" I know, I bow down in shame. T's texts in the AM said, "I wish you hadn't rushed off, I was worried about you". "No you weren't". I respond like a child. Now, no more friendship again. He's exhausted. I'm exhausted.
To be continued.

OK, where was I?
See, the thing is this. It wasn't all great of course. He is moody and so easily distracted. He has this verbal strategy that is infuriating. I would spew off my deepest thoughts, be open and honest, and he would just nod and not speak. He could write me the best, most communicative e-mails but he knew better than to say what I didn't want to hear if he was in the same space with me. I saw a sticker yesterday that said, "think twice, say nothing" I think he must have invented that. I know his method was a good one for the most part but sometimes it was just torture. He also likes to disappear. When we got close he would run off for 4 days or more. I used to think that was always to reclaim his much needed freedom but now I see that he is kind of that way anyhow. It was just difficult deciphering his actions. Lastly, he could do hurtful things. He took another woman home to his family on Thanksgiving at the peak of our time together. They slept in the same bed and everything. He didn't ask what I was doing for the holiday or even say goodbye.
His parents set him up with a woman who has a two-year-old kid. Clearly the year he spent with me didn't matter enough to have ever talked about me to them. They were so eager to have him meet her. These things hurt bad. They are big awful things. They are 2 of several situations.
Would things be different if he wasn't mourning the loss of his lying, cheating, wife when I met him? I would like to think so. So, I have moved on in most respects but now that I am spending time with someone else who really is GREAT, believe me, but has .0002% of the depth, authenticity, and friendship we just shared. I am certain that T has experienced this feeling in his dating life again. I know I get calls after a weekend with her. I know he's feeling that loss too.
So I guess I have just been distracted by these thoughts of what now if not that? I’m OK alone, I am a little too good at it but people have said so many things to me lately about being single in LA. "Better work it out before you're 40 Stef! 50 year old men date 30 year old women here." Whatever, I'm not buying into that crap and if I do, someone tell me to move! I know a great little spot on the Sea of Cortez. A new client of mine who is 56 said, "LA is a trap, you'll never be able to make the same amount of money as you can here even if you don't feel like you're making that much now." It's true. I can see the trap.
The last reason I haven’t written until now:
3. I move on to the next day so fast, pack it in with stuff, and miss the little stuff to write about because I am done with that day. These character traits of mine are the same reasons I am terrible with money and can completely space out hugely important bills and stuff. IT SIMPLY DOESN'T ENTER MY MIND. Out of sight out of mind has never been so true. This is why I am much better in a partnership- Man, Woman, doesn't matter. It changes how my mind organizes info. It motivates me to "strategize" for two. Strange I know, but it is true.

The things my wild kitty only lets me see!

I seriously walked outside 2 mornings ago to this. How funny is my cat? I had been laying on that sheet reading the day before. I'm glad he didn't suffocate himself!

Fucking Assholes

http://weazlsrevenge.blogspot.com/search/label/Chemtrails

I encourage everyone to follow this link. READ THE WHOLE THING! If I had not been observing beautiful blue skies turning to streaky, cloudy days time and time again in LA skies I wouldn't believe it myself. The LA news has tried to air a few stories on the matter but can't get a single answer from the US goverment. They are NOT made from regular aircraft fuel. This is clear to everyone.
(Copied from web)
"Chemtrails" - a definition:


The word "chemtrail" is not yet in the Oxford English Dictionary and so various terms have come to be used to describe what is seen - such as "Anomalous Spreading Trail(s)" and what the Canadian government likes to refer to as "Persistent Spreading Contrails" - that is without bothering to explain why today plain old-fashioned condensation trails should now behave in this new way!

The chemtrail theory is a group of theories regarding what are claimed to be unnatural condensation trails from high altitude jet aircraft. Contrails are formed by condensation of water vapor in the aircraft's exhausts whereas some trails, or plumes, have an appearance and quality different from those of normal water-based contrails - that is "chemtrails" are not consistent with the known atmospheric properties of contrails.

The term "chemtrail" should not be confused with other forms of acknowledged aerial spraying such as crop dusting, cloud seeding, military chaff dispersal or aerial firefighting. It specifically refers to systematic, high-altitude spraying by military-type aircraft of unknown substances for some undisclosed purpose.

cowboys are my weakness

I wish I had the book handy to quote Pam Houston but basically at one point she says something about being a strong, autonomous, woman but when a man calls me "Baby" I get weak in the knees..
My cowboy says things like:
"Get over here and give me some sugar"
"Hey Baby doll"
"Hi Peanut"
"Jeff is great,you'll meet him someday".
"We won't be able to sit out here like this in December"
"I had such a great time tonight, call me tomorrow right?"
You get the picture. This guy is either REALLY good at this or he actually likes me. I know he likes me yet.. something is amiss. I can't believe this guy. I mean WHAT?? I couldn't have written him. I couldn't have made him in a lab. This much I do know, my head is not up my ass. I soak all this cowboy stuff up but when all is said and done, I'm gonna marry a guy who has never uttered the word "baby" in his life. I may be 60 but I'm not that nieve.

Joni, my other mother

I promise to write more than just lyrics but I just have to add this one. To be raised with lyrics like these cascading around the room ... Such a blessing to have had such soulful moments so early on. Joni still sounds just as good 30 years later. Who knew that as an adult women I would someday so vividly relate. Maybe she infiltrated my subconscious and set me up for this prophecy I now live!

The Same Situation
by Joni Mitchell

Again and again the same situation
For so many years
Tethered to a ringing telephone
In a room full of mirrors
A pretty girl in your bathroom
Checking out her sex appeal
I asked myself when you said you loved me
Do you think this can be real?

Still I sent up my prayer
Wondering where it had to go
With heaven full of astronauts
And the Lord on death row
While the millions of his lost and lonely ones
Call out and clamour to be found
Caught in their struggle for higher positions
And their search for love that sticks around

You've had lots of lovely women
Now you turn your gaze to me
Weighing the beauty and the imperfection
To see if I'm worthy
Like the church
Like a cop
Like a mother
You want me to be truthful
Sometimes you turn it on me like a weapon though
And I need your approval

Still I sent up my prayer
Wondering who was there to hear
I said Send me somebody
Who's strong and somewhat sincere
With the millions of the lost and lonely ones
I called out to be released
Caught in my struggle for higher achievements
And my search for love
That don't seem to cease

An ode to two beautiful souls

When Sean and I broke up for the third and final time, I used to listen to this song over and over. I pretended they were the words he wanted to say.
I don't know if anyone knows what an amazing musician Jeff Buckley was. He drowned in Memphis in 1997. Sean makes me so sad. I talk to him only sometimes and I usually spend the conversation encouraging him to live. Things could have been so different. (Just take the Goddamn anti-depressants!)I have no regrets for my own life combined with his but I doubt any peace will ever come to him, and that is so darn sad. I am an eternal optimist but somehow when it comes to Sean... I guess I just need to write how much I love him, how sorry I am that he is unhappy and confused so often. Age 23 is a lifetime ago.

Lover, You Should`ve Come Over
(Jeff Buckley)
Looking out the door i see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

When i'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much i need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So i'll wait for you... and i'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when i slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe i'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And i'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage i've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well i'm waiting for you

Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Melly and me

ay dios mio!

So as far as dates go, last night was a 9. Would have been a 10 if he was still here now. There is something magical about that guy and me. He has that good-guy-biker-with-a-code of honor thing going. Loves his friends, is creative, kind but definitely wears the pants. Yep, I'm in trouble Mama. He said after he saw me everything around him went into soft focus except for me. He didn't even sound cheesy when he said that! Then he said "me and you, we just work." Yeah we do.
We sat in my yard last night, I made a fire and drinks for us. We kissed alot, we talked alot. It was easy and simple. I was so worried that it would be hard, I didn't want to have to seek anyone out or play any fucking games. I didn't have to. He just fell, literally, at my feet. hijole!

the ox and the boar meet again

Tonight I see the punk rock cowboy again. This has been the longest week of my life. We have been textin' fools. I am suddenly terrified.
"Will he still think I'm cute?
He's way too good looking for me, he could be with anyone.
Was he just drunk before? Will he think I'm fat?"Oh GAWD. Make me stop! The same thing happened with the Bee Charmer and I survived.Why do I date men prettier than me? I think I have a problem.
So, wish me luck world. Ox's are steady, habitual, kind, and dedicated.
Boars like me are decadent, freewheelin', and happy. Can this even work?
You couldn't stop me from finding out if there was dynamite attached to me feet.

"if you don't want to do it twice, you probably shouldn't of done it the first time"

There are only a few nights like Saturday night in a person's lifetime. Another one for me was June 2, 2006.
The moon was huge, the house majestic and the people seemed to be hand picked as the best Los Angeles has to offer. It is agreed that this party was one of the best ever.The food, the entertainment, the DJ, the pool temperature, the gorgeous full moon hanging above the canyons, the fog show that rolled in through them at dusk and then cleared for night time... Truly amazing. Then as if it couldn't get any better, a vision of sheer RIDICULOUS beauty suddenly appeared at the edge of the jacuzzi sporting a black cowboy shirt and a mohawk, a chest the size of "The Rock", and a smile that could kill small animals, and said "Hi sweet pea". Good God. Sorry, no pictures but believe me, it's silly, mad, illegal kind of manliness. The rest is like a an Anne Rampling novel.
He even quoted my favorite Dorthy Parker poem to me, which is well, HOT, and the fact that he is a writer is well, Hot, and I don't care if I sound like a total idiot right now because you would too. Trust me.

Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful;

You might as well live.

D.Parker

Drinking on the job

Yes, this is my life. This is my job.. Notice the expensive french champagne I get to enjoy at the same time? I only do that at his house actually.. We've become close friends. Just thought I'd take a minute to appreciate California, my job, the good life.

my little creatures

naked art

When I was a kid my mother had a poster that said, " when one is not rich you either buy art or you buy clothes" and a tall naked woman sat in a room surrounded by paintings.
Today I bought my very first painting. My friend Melly is a fabulous artist. We have started having "arts and crafts" nights at her house sometimes. We paint tiles and our newest thing is to paint old records. They come out really great actually. Melly is the sister of a certain rock icon. Her brothers’ music is such a huge part of my life, the soundtrack to my days living in SF and my serial relationship with Sean. Some 20 year old the other day said “who's Alice in Chains?” and my mouth dropped open. I’m getting old. She has great stories, and some not-so-great stories about that time. Those boys sure knew how to self-destruct. Sounds like they still do, if they survived.
My Mom bought pieces of art from her friends over the years. My favorite artist is a man that we were friends with in Oregon when I was a kid. We lived on a piece of land for a while in the mountains off the coast of South Beach/Newport. We lived in a huge wooden house with a family and several other people lived in other spots on the property such as the barn and in a tree house. We all piled into the most gorgeous sweat lodge every Sunday that was large enough to seat 15 people or more. It had tiered seating and an oak slide at the top that plunged you into freezing cold fresh mountain water at the base.
After doing the sweat Rick Bartow and his band “Knee Deep” would often set up on the land and play the blues for us. He has become a renowned artist and the piece my Mom bought from him is my favorite in her collection. He loves to paint crows and the crow has been a special symbol in my life for many years. I love the black shiny feathers and their intense dignity. I even took care of an injured one when I lived in Santa Barbara. A school mate of mine came up to me in high school and handed me a painting of a crow she had done and said "It's a portrait of you." She wasn't aware of my connection with them at all. In fact she and I had never really spent any time together so the fact that she painted a picture for me at all was odd. I shlepped that around until the mold got to it in Hawaii.
I bought this painting from Melly because it represents so much. Business,hustle and bustle, the confusion of dating, urban life at large. It looks sunny in it's color and almost as if it is raining.As if smeared and reflected sky in puddles.
I will write more later now that blogger seems to functioning again!
Pic 1- Ms. Starr herself( best last name in the world!)
pic 2- the art I purchased from Melinda- U da' best, werd up.
Pic 3- My latest finished piece
Pics 4-7 Rick Bartows art

Snap Peas are deeeelicious

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feeling squeaky clean and bright eyed, in love with life and everyone I know.
Produce has never tasted so fucking good.

Day Eight

I'm kinda ready for this to be over now. I miss food. I miss food with friends. No one wants to hang out with someone who isn't drinking or eating. I miss stopping for an afternoon coffee. I miss my red tea and even my vitamin B drops. I feel great, I'll make it to day ten but I'm HELLA bored.
Here are the food goals I have set though.
I will bless each meal. It is proven that it increases it's nutritional value.
I will refrain from all white flour and white sugar.
I will eat slowly and really enjoy it.
I will eat TONS of veggies.
That's not too hard. Not after this, nothing is.
I'd like to say I'm quiting coffee but I'm not. Forget it.

Day Seven

Can anyone believe I have gone this long without food? I sure as hell can't. I'm pretty proud of me. I massaged the greatest guy yesterday. New client. He was happily married, a writer for "Lost", a triathlete that did Iron Man on the Big Island. We had a great conversation. He said in a totally non-sleazy way "do you get hit on while you're massaging people, like, all the time?" It was a nice way of him telling me he thought I was cute without breaking any rules. We got in a conversation about relationships and how he met his wife and he said " Don't worry AT ALL Stef, he'll find you, he will." I thought that was a sweet thing for someone to say who just met me.
I find it funny that the said "heart breaker" said " you shouldn't be thinking about me with another woman during this time of your cleanse." WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I GONNA THINK ABOUT? I can't numb my feelings with food or alcohol so I just have to face the pain. Yes, I meditate every morning, I do oil pastels every night, I work my ass off all day, I organized all my paperwork, I read great literature, study quantum physics,... I think I am doing pretty well considering but to ignore the fact that the close friend I had I lost to someone else named STEPHANIE (because I can't be around him without wanting to punch him) hurts like fuck and I am not going to put that out of my head right now. I want answers without having to ask questions, I want peace and closure without losing anything precious to me (him). I want things I can never have. Not with him. This sucks donkeys and I am not going to pretend it doesn't.
I can't wait to spend a month in Hawaii in December. I can't fucking wait to go to SF next month. Hopefully I get to see the Bee Charmer. He makes everything tastier. Just like honey he is.

Day six

My last entry included the lyrics to one of my favorite songs of all time. I think it may be one of the happiest, most good-feeling songs out there. My Mom informed me that it too, is one of her favorites. I miss Jon. I think he's in Boston for his beloved Grandma's funeral. We danced on top of his coffee table drunk a few weeks ago singing along to that song of ours. We have done so probably 50 times. In fact, I think I'll play it now while I write this entry. Pause pause... Ah, that's better.
It's hard to type when my head is bobbing.
So here I am beginning day 6 of the cleanse. It's been a roller coaster ride. Hold on, I need to dance.
I wish I still had the cow bell Sean gave me for my 23rd birthday. So romantic.
" I'm just an animal lookin for a home...."
OK, I'm back. So anyway, day 6 without food. I'm over the half way point. I have massaged like crazy for the whole time even with raging headaches. I feel so clear. My brain is working so fast, I can calculate quickly, access memories with vivid clarity and recollection, my sense of smell is RIDICULOUS. I can smell the TYPE of fish my neighbor is grilling and what spices he used.I smelled mold in my expensive pillows so they're gone now. I can breathe through my nose and mouth with ease for the first time in 2 years. My WAY skinny jeans fit.. That won't last but it gives me something to aim for while I'm eating food again. It's nice to look in the mirror and like what I see. I can't believe someone else isn't enjoying this! (T! You loser!)
The lucid dreams are crazy too. I'm dreaming about everything and everyone. I sleep like a stone too though. Lights on, TV on, I'm crashed out. I wake up refreshed at 6 am. Leo and I are finally on a similar schedule. "Meow meow mew mew" doesn't bug me so much at the butt crack of dawn. (Whose Dawn? T would say).
Lastly, my new found creative medium, oil pastels, have gone to another level I think. Art is so loving, it's like pets and babies, it doesn't care how old you are or what you look like, or notice your bad sides, it just loves you back without question.

This must be the place

Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - burn with a weak heart
(So I) guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing

Hi yo I got plenty of time
Hi yo you got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up & say goodnight . . . say goodnight

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home - -she lifted up her wings
Guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time Before we were born
If someone asks, this where I'll be . . . where I'll be

Hi yo We drift in and out
Hi yo sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head Ah ooh
Talking Heads

Day three begins..

"Inspiration comes forth from within. It's what the light burning within you is about, as opposed to motivation, which is doing it because if you don't do it, there will be negative repercussions. Motivation is making myself do something that I don't really want to do. Inspiration is having the clear picture of what I am wanting -- and letting Universal forces come into play to get the outcome."
Abraham-hicks
I liked today's quote. It makes alot of sense. Am I inspired to write or motivated? Inspired.
Let's recap.
I ate only homemade veggie soup with TONS of organic veggies, garlic, jalapeno pepper, ginger, cayenne, parsley, and cilantro on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Monday and Tuesday I have only had sea salt water in the morning and then the lemon concoction all day. This will be the case until the end of Wednesday the 18Th.
The headache I experienced on day one and half of day two were nothing short of horrific. Still even though the pain was so present, and other circumstances regarding my same ol' broken-hearted-ness, my outlook has been amazing. I love waking up naturally at 6 AM. I love feeling light on my feet again and in full awareness mode. When you are not eating ANYTHING, many things happen.
This is such a meditative experience. I am always taking care of myself, monitoring my physical and emotional meter. It's a strong feeling of self-love, these extreme circumstances that I am sticking to for my own importance, it feels good.
I miss food and coffee but I'm not DYING to have it or feeling all that hungry. In fact when I have gone into stores to get distilled water or something, all the food looks disgusting and toxic. This is not the case at Whole Foods, therefore I cannot even step into that store for another 7 days. The lemon, maple syrup, and cayenne are supposed to provide enough calories and nutrition to keep you from extreme hunger and it works. I think about making Peet's Coffee and it seems so decadent right now. My appreciation for delicious rich food is renewed. I love rich, creamy, salty, food. Hopefully now I can enjoy small amounts of it and really stop and slowly enjoy it instead of wolfing things down. God, if I didn't massage for a living I would probably be HUGE. I saw this chubby teenage girl eating french fries with such vigor yesterday it was scary. She could not eat them fast enough. She truly looked like a junkie getting her fix after days without.
My bond with Jacqueline is at an all time high. We are in touch every few hours for phone support and its terrific. When "circumstances" regarding the "heart-breaker" occurred yesterday she was right there too. She and I have the ability to throw ourselves int he other persons shoes, access how it would feel and the also give an outsiders loving perspective. That is the kind of friendship that never goes away. People can be so lazy and self-centered with one another. My friends never are. Not my really close ones.
I filled my house with plants and flowers and candles.(coincidentally my client gave me a beautiful glass aromatherapy candle last night. She knew I loved the one she always had burning so she got me one. What a sweetheart. I have the BEST clients).It smells delicious and looks divine too. An old "friend" came over last night for a visit and he got tears in his eyes when he saw my house. He kept saying how good it feels in here. It does. I love it too.
I hope this cleanse catapults me into a new behavior. I would like to try eating raw for a while but it is a huge lifestyle commitment that seems more confining than freeing at times but maybe I'll try it. I'll tackle that subject after these next 7 days are finished.
My body looks good. I haven't felt that way for a while. I think I lost about 6 pounds already and I'm walking or stair climbing everyday (except for day 1,the headache was too debilitating). This is good. I'm really enjoying this time.

This house is clean

So here's the deal. One of my dear friends of many years, Jaquelina, and I are on day 2 of tapering off the food intake. We will be eating pretty much veggies and seeds until Monday wherein the TEN day Master Cleanse diet will start.
The master cleanse website
This means, NO FOOD, only a lemon,cayenne,maple syrup concoction. I haven't done this since I was 19, living in Isla Vista, and madly in love with Greg. We were each other's first true loves. I'm not sure I have been loved like that since.
He could be such a pain in the ass though. If you think I can whine... never mind. We are still friends, he lives here in LA. He really is a fantastic guy.
Anyway, I remember how good I felt after the first two difficult days. The headaches and lethargy is replaced by an incredible sense of well being and unbounded energy.
I don't know how it will be to massage under these conditions but hopefully not too bad. I am eager to do this. I feel like I am really ready to start this process. Jaqueline and I are a good team too. We have the same intensity about things. After watching "sicko" I feel more than ever, that I want to be in control of my health. I don't want to rely on this medical system or on the "relieve the symptoms/mask the real problem" method western medicine predominantly lives by. I would much rather spend 250$ a month on healthy foods, delicious tea's and acupuncture. That amount of money (which is what I have been quoted by Kaiser) would make a massive impact on my over all health.
So, wish me luck! I am not looking forward to the 32 Oz's of salt water we are to drink each morning for, you know, intestinal cleansing. EEgadds.

18 reasons Ojai will be my home someday

"Meditation Mountain" where my prayer "please God please help me stop being a jealous little bitch." was said. See older posts if you are confused as to why.
It totally didn't work BTW...Well, maybe a little.










Love love love you guys!!!!