Wiggle worm in a jar

You know that Cat Stevens song that goes “ I can’t keep it in, I gotta let it out, gotta tell the world…”. That is how I feel right now. I am on SW Airlines flying away from a man that has rocked my world so hard that I look like Diane Lane in “Unfaithful”. There is a scene where she is on the train smiling, biting her fingernails and then she starts crying, then laughing, then staring dreamily… I’m like that without the crying part. I have never met anyone like Zac. He is transplanted from another time. People are not made like him anymore. He’s like Hemmingway and Frank Sinatra, timeless, original, and so fucking COOL.

We agree on everything. We wake up at the same time EVERYTIME we are together. We crave the same foods at the same time. We want to do or not do the same things ALL THE TIME. We read each other’s minds. We have the EXACT same taste in clothes (first guy I haven’t wanted to dress), music, books, etc… We like each other’s friends. We like being alone a lot. We want to stay and leave at the same time. It’s really strange.

He say’s the sweetest, most meaningful things to me and I am completely free around him. I am completely unedited, “unfettered and alive” if you will.
He can be a little intimidating. He is stoic sometimes and has enough “street” in him to give that “look”; you know the one that can shut anyone up on a dime? For some reason he doesn’t have a chance around me. I don’t let that stop me from being a total goof-ball around him and I cross every boundary I can. I am completely comfortable and affectionate. He doesn’t even know how I get away with it. I can handle “soldiers”. I’ve been with the toughest. At least this one is educated and super-sane. I can’t say that for the others. At least not both at the same time.

In an hour and a half I will be in St.Louis. I am so excited to see my family. I am really filled to the brim with Thankfulness right now. I won’t lie though, leaving Zac today was about as brutal as it gets.

Part 2
It’s early. Dad is playing guitar in the living room. He has done so nearly everyday since I was born. (Same 20 songs, but it doesn’t matter). Current track: “You Are My Special Angel”.
I walked for 2 hours around this transitional neighborhood. Rural yesterday, suburban tomorrow.
Another Target, Best Buy, and Shnucks, just what Missouri needs?

As I was walking I saw 2 figures standing on the sidewalk together. One was my Dad in his oxford shirt with the “Remax” logo on the pocket and khaki pants, the other, a gray haired man in his mid-seventies. I pretended to be a stranger and Dad played along. When I got close to him I raised my fist to punch him and we both started laughing. The other man then learned I was Larry’s daughter.
I said, “ So, how do you two know each other?”
Man: “We’ve known each other since 1965. We worked together at General Motors. I was his supervisor. Your Dad was never on time. It was a requirement to write down the reasons you were late on little pieces of paper by the time clock. His Grandmother must have died 3 times. The best one I ever got though was the one where he wrote “ my rooster died”. Laughs all around.
Dad said he used to go raise hell until 2 am and then park his VW bug by the guards in front of GM so they could wake him up at 6 am when they arrived to work. They were his alarm clock.
Time is a strange beast.
The show we watched last night ("Californication", awesome series) delivered a line, “ It was the time of my life, if only someone had told me. The clock is ticking, and the gap is widening.” Dad and I just looked at each other. It was a moment. A kinda sad one.

Part 3
WHY did I go to bed at 9pm????
I've been up since 4am and today is going to be a long Thanksgiving day way out in Washington Mo.
I'm very excited to see the whole family but I may be fried by noon.

I miss Zac sumthin' feirce. We are both going out of our minds. I'm trying to be in the moment but it's been rough.

Driving to Memphis in the rental car on Friday should be really fun. I'm so looking forward to seeing Becka, my very best friend in high school. It's been over a decade since we've seen eachother. I sort of consider her my "first love" in a weird way. She was my first relationship, that is for certain. More details later when I no longer feel like I am in a David Lynch movie. This crack-0-dawn in the midwest thing is trippy. I think I need a early AM walk and a shower.

Healers and Romans

Only some people are weight-full.
So solid in their presence they feel no wake from others.

You are a broader human,
A much heavier stance.
You are so comfortable in your own skin that even when you are not,
No one would ever be able to tell.

I am healthier every time I sleep next you.

You feel out words in your mouth, taste their meanings, and only when you know for sure, do you share them with me.

You fired my guard. She’s been let down.
I’ve seen her wandering the streets of LA with nothing but your T-shirt on.
I think it may even be OK to tell you these things.
I think you may even try to stay.

The dragon inside you sleeps in warm sand.
You have learned to make him a softer home.
He is a squatter on stolen land but I know it may be too scary to kick him out, just yet.

I’ve seen your face change 7 different shades of beautiful.
I have never wanted to paint anyone until now.
There isn’t a big enough canvas made.

We have now shared 5 sated moons.
This one rolls in red smoke unaware of its new dirty hue.
It begins a retraction of its light birthing
To settle on the shady side of
The creative current it began.
The dark undertow decides what stays and what is given away.

I look euphoria straight in the eye this time.
I know her ways, she leaves when you become accustomed to her company.
I only foster her feeling,
For ownership is the same as memory.
Neither are results of careful calculation.
Rather reason and meanings’ own false persuasions.
Euphoria keeps unruly company with quiet terror and close lonesome.
They never part but work separate shifts.

You are undoubtedly the culmination of my life spent sorting out
The desired sounds and movements,
The methods and mechanics of the men,
Who lifted my face up with strong hands and perfect wrists.
You took notes from my universal banter and applied the information.
The Alpha star navigates my way across this imaginary sea.
I watch you sleep and wonder if it feels the same for you inside.
Are all your battleships still aligned or do you float like algae?

I never watched anyone sleep before.
I never wanted to.
Now I stare like a museum traveler.
We could meet your artist together,
You could even let him evict the dragon he invited in the first place.
He co-authored a best seller I wish only I could buy.

Mornings are child-like.
The day is sweet and you name me a different high cord each time.
I feel little and strong, yet so well behaved.
I believe in your authority and sign for the borrowed time.
But maybe my being so sure
Will be just enough
To finally rest us…

Silly Monster

I'm home from 10 days of dog sitting.
Now I'm in love with him and his mother's dog!



I'll post in the morning I swear!