Angel in America

I just got home from "Taco Tuesday's" at Marix in WEHO. Lovely evening with Mikey, Ivana and James. The four of us pack ourselves in the tiny, hip, gay, establishment every so often and drink margaritas and eat enough cheap but delicious tacos to be stuffed and sober enough to drive home. It is loud and crazy and we still seem to put on a big show for everyone. Mikey insists on high five-ing every 2 seconds across the table until I eventually have to cut him off by not holding my hand up in return. He holds his solo,waiting, hand up enough times that he looks dumb and stops doing it. A little habit he picked up about 4 years ago to torture us with. Man, I do love him though. He is my angel. He went on and on about my red, 1930'sish, polka dotted shirt. He loved it. He slammed his fist down in protest for not being able to wear it. "We (the gay community) just don't have enough polka-dotted clothing!" He was dead serious. It reminded me of the time we were shopping at Lohmans together and he picked up some fuzzy designer purse thing and bellowed "I want to accessorise too!" He totally meant it. He was upset about it but not enough to "slip over to the transgender arena". What a little cutie pie. Just what the doctor ordered. Mikey and my 4 hours of soil prepping for the grass I ordered for my yard helped me completely release all my anger towards the PRCB. I mean really. It's so ridiculous I can't even write the details out because I can't bear to give anymore thought or energy to this human being.
My client who rarely swears or gives an opinion without complete and utter diplomacy exclaimed face down on the massage table "What a dick!" Well said my friend, well said. Believe me, I didn't recite the events with any emotion or positive self portrayal. I just gave the facts. The only thing I will say is that showing up at my house with fingernail scratches and dried blood on his biceps is not cool. I confronted him in a light-hearted way and he denied it (and WOW did his explanation suck!). I didn't even care (no,really,I didn't) until the following day when he said " Dude, last I checked, we haven't gotten married." OK, that's all I'm giving up.
Mikey said " Stef, it's a numbers game, NEXT!" Oh GAWD. I'll give you a number ZERO!!
Goodnight world. Hope I don't feel crappy in the AM.

Rain! Finally! Rain!

I have missed the rain soooooo much! It is raining hard right now! First time since I moved into this lil' cabin and can I just say? I think I have died and gone to heaven. It's like my Waipio house with electricity. And windows. And indoor plumbing. And Internet access. And no raging river or 2,000 ft. waterfall. OK, it's nothing like Waipio except that it's cute and rustic and peaceful.
Here come the sirens. Welcome to LA. I bet there are 70 accidents right now on the freeways. The problem here is partly this:
The combination of many high performance, ultra expensive, vehicles and the ego maniacs that drive them, combined with tourist and (pls. don't take offense because I practically fall into this category) the "help" in beat up cars that came from mostly third world countries. The outcome is many angry horn blowers in cars they will never be able to drive the way or speed in which they were intended, and several scared nannies and gardeners in Toyota Corollas and pick-ups going 30 miles an hour causing several accidents on already congested freeways and side streets. Luckily, I do not have my life set up in a way that requires me to drive very often in this mess. Can you say "GUESTHOUSE!"? Yes, live among the wealthy in which you service and be OK with the fact that everyone on the block knows you and your car belong in Hollywood! Receive dirty looks sometimes because you have independently lowered the value of your neighbors houses with your dented 1998 Mitsubishi. Sorry!
Not!

I'm too sexy for my blog..

I love photography. I love swanky downtown loft model shoots, I love holding the reflector, I love my teacher... More soon.

Brigham Feild

And the model Nicolla

Big Adventure

This is where I am at right now. I got stuck, like a fish hook, this AM on a rose thorn exiting the drive way. It hurts right now,14 hours later. I burned my hand badly just now trying to light an almost wax-less candle with a half dead lighter. I have to do 6 hours of massage tomorrow starting at 11am and I can't sleep because the PRCB just left for the umpteenth time at a bit before midnight without a decent explanation. He insists on it being a "creature of habit" thing and my abandonment issue. SORRY CHUCK. I am sensing way more malevolent behaviors here. Masked in a triple reverse twist flip psychology. It may not be other women, it may be more ominous. I dare not vocalize in this forum but it is something.. and if I have learned one thing in my 36 years it is that there is no such thing as paranoia, only some level of intuition and real is real and questionable is worth questioning. I trust me. I do know that he can't stay away from me because I challenge the very heart of him. I know that I am in a city temporarily deemed purgatory. Gray matter within gray matter. I can't leave, I can't really stay, I don't have a choice- for the first time EVER.
Too old to leave, to smart to stay, too confused to write about it. So I'll wait this one out and try to not become a "crazy cat lady".
BUT I got asked today to be the assistant on photo shoots and get taught "everything I want to know about photography" and get paid for it too. I start Monday at 9am. Are you kidding me??
AND the PRCB is still worth my time because my head fits in between his pecs and his vocabulary is better than mine. What a sucker I am.
What an awfully big adventure surviving another one of you this will be.
He slapped my ass as he walked out the door and said " Keep it up, but you and I know we are just a few steps away from falling in love". Now, why'd he have to go and say that?

Angry Muffin

I think, for the very first time, I may have met my match. This is not going to be a cake walk my friends. Transparency is NOT my comfort zone. In a world of artists, it could be time to live within a proverbial, spiritual budget. You figure it out because I am about to.
Direct quote " why can't you just accept this stage? It's not going to to be like this forever, the phone rings and we are happy as fags in a dick tree. It will end and that stage be over but the next stage will be good in a different way. We will share a toothbrush later if you just let me like you. Stop trying to control everything. It aint gonna work with me."

I'm not in my car!

First matter at hand; Mom is OK. Thank God.
I'm whirling from the Punk Rock Cowboy's most recent visit. Last night.
Before you judge, hear me out.
He texts me 2 weeks ago " I miss your face." I don't respond. I would have said "you miss my #@$%&*!!" Then I get a text yesterday morning. A long one, a good one. A heart felt one.
"We were getting along famously, you are smart, sexy, and funny. I like you, and you tell me to get lost because I happen to like to sleep where all my stuff is." Now, I actually understand this reasoning. I understand well. We were both only children raised by single moms. We both read books at the breakfast table quietly with our mothers. We both want to sleep at our houses and do what we want. We will either grow to want more or we won't. T and I took our time and it was a long time before we went on 4-day stretches. I forget that.
He came over. His energy was authentic. He was humble. He was beautiful. I mean it. He is dewy. He is ridiculously smart too. I took him in like medicine and I'm not even sick. He is metaphor embodied. He earned my trust last night. Let the story unfold because I am ready to write it with quill and ink.
But that is beside the point.
What he got last night was a woman fresh from the ground. Grassroots. I left a mountain of love from above. I literally "drove" myself crazy up north. The traffic in the Bay Area is sci-fi. It is soooooo bad that it out ways LA by huge percentages. Believe me or not. It sucks DONKEYS. At least in LA I have alternate routes. Being stuck for hours on a bridge or in a tunnel is horrible. However, I drove around to feel the pure love of my people. Friends that love me to the core. Clients that have become so family that a grown man of extreme conservative nature cried on the table and confided his stresses of being all that he is; a provider. He hugged me 3 times before I left. Their home is my home. I am as comfortable there as I get. I can open the fridge, crawl in bed and watch TV, take over the computer, laugh, cry.. you name it. The most unlikely people are some of my closest friends. They want to fly me up every other Thursday and let me use their car to massage other people while I'm there. I said I would because I miss them and I would finally have a way to stay connected to my friends as well. It never really hit me until now how alone I can sometimes feel down here. I have half friends here. T was my true bud. Tomorrow we will meet for our first outing as friends. We are going to the garment district to pick out fabric for Pastease. This is easier to imagine now that I may officially be dating someone.
Back to the bay.
I neglected at least 7 people of extreme importance and still was a complete mad woman. I drank with my single friends at night (I have alcohol poisoning for sure) arrived at my married with kids friends houses hung over as hell, and sat in horrible heat and traffic to massage people in between. I am fried, and broke.
Oh well.
Per visit with Alex: When little Devin ran out after me into the garden and yelled "I miss you right now" and then ran into my arms and kissed me on the cheek I died. She calls her dad "Falula" and Alex "Tanalee" for no reason. That's just their names. She is my Goddaughter. Such a funny little fairy girl.
Per Clair visit: Her husband came to the door with a pamper on his head and the house was crazy full of toys and smiles and kids raised with heaps of love. How a woman that calm can have that much activity around her is amazing. I can't even listen to 2 people talk at once without having a panic attack. How do people do it?
Per Jacqueline visits: We are like the same person. It's weird. All drama and passion. Being there for this time in her life is like a gift. I watched a strong woman cry and smile her way through a seemingly impossible situation and be totally present in the unfolding in an intentional, spiritual way... She will be fine- but I could still kill her husband for doing this to my friend. What a fucker. Who starts dating other women 2 months after buying a house with his wife and 6 year old? Dickweed. I told her to let HIM figure this one out. She's done everything else so far.
Per Mike visit: Thank God someone loves me THAT MUCH. He is my rope. I can't believe how lucky I am to have him. I will gladly be by his side at 90 yrs old. We say it as a joke but we both know it's a probable outcome.
Per Sarah visit: Walking through the woods in half moon bay to the restaurant for sunset, laughing like hell, dissecting our childhoods, fried egg sandwiches in bed. What fun. What a crazy life this is turning out to be.
Per Nikki machine shop visit: How I missed that smell of grease and metal. I love machines. I love big men in cover-alls with bigger hearts. I will never be homeless because there is always a home for me with 2 two huge cranes in the drive way and 5 dogs to greet me. Just don't turn right instead of left or you will be in the world’s scariest projects. Hunters point.
Per Daune visit: You are so badass. I must be too to have a chick like you on my side. You have been dealt a bad hand and you are still so willing to love.
Per hunting Tony down, my ex-boyfriend, and the man who had the largest impact on me in the shortest amount of time: You are like no other person I have ever met. I think I will always be in love with you. Every second is interesting, electric, over-whelming, exhausting, funny, uncomfortable, comfortable, challenging, and downright strange. I love people that light up whole cities. He does.
This is an over-view. I have to write more specifics later.
I’m sure you are excited.
This entry sure lacks writing skills but I wanted to get it out before I lost the feeling.

Rooftop dinner on Labor Day with Mike and friends.

Tony when we first met

Henriette, Felix, and the people who are living with them

I was going to write quickly and let everyone know I made it home safe, as of 2 hours ago. I was going to say "for those of you who have been worried about me and where I have been, don't worry I am home.." then I got this worrisome e-mail from my Mum.
AT 8 PM PDT...0300 UTC...THE GOVERNMENT OF MEXICO HAS REPLACED THE
HURRICANE WATCH AND TROPICAL STORM WARNING WITH A HURRICANE WARNING
ALONG THE COAST OF MAINLAND MEXICO FROM TOPOLOBAMPO NORTHWARD TO
BAHIA KINO. A HURRICANE WARNING MEANS THAT HURRICANE CONDITIONS ARE
EXPECTED WITHIN THE WARNING AREA WITHIN THE NEXT 24 HOURS.
PREPARATIONS TO PROTECT LIFE AND PROPERTY SHOULD BE RUSHED TO
COMPLETION.

Yep, don't worry about me. Worry about my mother in an aluminum trailer.

PS pls read my friend Charlottes blog. It's so good. Especially since she just moved to the place where Felix passed through.