Bear with me...

I live alone in theory. My boyfriend spends most nights with me in my “bohemian love shack”. It is a” find”, a “gem” in the most pretentious neighborhood in the most pretentious city in America. Los Angeles, Ca. (though, if you are approaching 40 rapidly like I am, it is more appropriately described as an over-priced guest house in a bitter, Brentwood, divorces’ unkempt backyard). I have managed though to find some pride in this cabin while still bitching about it’s difficulties. It has no kitchen, I climb up and down a ladder to pee in the middle of the night, and said land- lady is consistently inconsistent with her wavering like and dislike of me. I kiss ass and then blow up at her about every 6 months when I can no longer stand the oppression. Regardless, I feel blessed. I feel chosen not to be dependent on mortgage crisis outcomes." Freedom is nothing left to lose but a late nineties model car and a rented shack". I feel successful in actuality. No home loans or credit card debt. Fuck the world!
Then there is love…
I met an incredible man. He is smart, creative, and gorgeous in an “unfair to others” kind of way. He is forthcoming with his verbal affections, funny, and cool, cool, cool. He challenges my temper. His temper is bigger. This is necessary for our compatibility at any length. My years of “loves disappointments” require certain levels of alpha domination. I could scare the mafia at this point with my unbridled explosiveness. More importantly, I scare myself. I see a need to teardown and burn any structure that does not appear or project complete acceptance (“If you do not want me always, I don’t want you now”). I would rather run than be run from. It is very topical and transparent in its psychological dysfunction. This is one of my biggest fears realized. To be sociologically and culturally partitioned by my common behavioral habits and patterns. It is absolutely boring in the grand scheme of perceptual bias and non-physical, quantum existence. I chose spiritual leadership and collective vision upon my arrival into this body and have gone temporarily belly up into an ill perceived, emotionally attached, bland, human experience. I cry all the time. I beg to not be left. I leave to find relief. I question my stability. I even question my desire to be alive. I then gurgle and bubble over in the comfort of accepting flesh and muscle and the vibrations of kind and light words. I live my days minute by minute, misery to elation; elation to misery. This is based on one human’s availability and subsequent distance. It is based on my hyper focus and then convenient distraction of others temporary attentions. The “dark” to me is now a life that I lived quite comfortably, quite recently. It terrifies me to return to a place I wasn’t so dissatisfied with to begin with; a place not so scary at all. I regret this present failure of spirit. I believe I am competitive and potentially even egotistical in the elusive “God” world. Ha! I’ll kick your archangel, enlightened, source-full, ass’s yet! Someone will channel my California accented voice one day too, mutha fuckas’!
If I can sort out the details of these pesky little bumps in my spiritual off -roading. I’m four-wheeling in low gear across a river… AGAIN.

Dog sitting up North

yo-sa-might

What could motivate me to drive 7 hours in a car with a perpetual "check engine" light on, expired tags due to astronomical unpaid parking ticket fines, and gas prices at 4.55$ a gallon?
A cabin in Yosemite and my favorite sisters ever. Sarah and Charlotte. Throw in a archeologist from brazil that has found inner freedom- like, for real, a biker chic that can stuff a mean mushroom and dance the night away, a doctor who travels with a cross bow set at 42 lbs of resistance, and a dog that growls and bites if anyone hugs,plays, or laughs around her, and you got yourself a weekend not soon forgotten.

wedding poem

So, like, one of my clients asked me if I would write a wedding poem for her Dad to read at his son's (her brother's) wedding. How weird is that? He can't come up with something to say about his own kid? Anywho- this is what came out. I obviously projected some deep feelings that I couldn't access without my having present relations with you know who..



When the sky desires more height to accommodate your life and the earth seeks a deeper depth to mimic your solidarity; you have found a love meant.

Love meant for bigger and yet simpler words, for science to complicate the known laws, yet clarity for the least understood.

For we all know a feeling. We all marvel at the origin and differ on the road to its arrival, but commune and celebrate the gift of its present, presence.

We understand an appreciation so great and important that any challenge or fear of being misunderstood is given the best of our best, the deepest of our breath, to let it live.

In a real loves life, it craves no immortality, desires no constant relief, and doesn’t see a false end of quiet, happy sleep. It is all that it is without expectation. It is a constant companion down an unknown path.

Love lacks lonely, lacks an empty reach, and a blank stare.
Loves gives the deepest eye contact, the warmest hand, and the safest flesh.
It protects the ones without a need and needs the unprotected.

This love is without a poem.
It is the poetry.
It needs not your attention because it is the last second, this second, and the one to come.

It is a real life, with real love, with no comments, validations, opinions, or speeches.

It behaves like children in arms.
Safe and sleepy, alive in you, alive in them.

We all believe in ourselves, because of your love.

Busted!

So there is only ONE good thing about your boyfriend discovering your blog. You have to write about other things. Ok, but first I have to write about him reading my blog.
He knew it existed, I wasn't hiding it. He just never seemed too interested in it so I figured he never would be. Then my dumb-butt left it up on the screen and dashed out to work. Needless to say, it was a long night once I returned. He was not too happy about a few things. OLD entries about ex-not-even-boyfriends, my making fun of him for asking me where I am going at 4 am, etc.. I get why that pissed him off, I shouldn't of said that. Especially since I secretly enjoy it.( "I say that to be sweet Stef! I don't think you're going to fricken' Arby's!)
I think I was more embarrassed that he read the gushy/kid/marriage/stuff on there. Not that I ever hold back anyway but it is different on a big screen. We'll, anyway I love him. He is the most multi-faceted, can't put him in a box, coolest person ever. I'll not be able to not write about him ever. Who am I kidding?

Thank-you to all the people that said Happy Birthday to me!
Little Devin saying "I love you, Happy Birthday" in her tiny voice is tops. Dad's big birthday song on my machine, and Hanna and Bobby's cat even called me. Just to name a few.
Lastly, everyone should have one of these cameras. The laughs didn't stop for an hour. These are the best 2 pics of Melly and me.

lovely words

Not to be a total cheese-ball but I have to say there is one other man I have gotten to say "I love you TOO" to and that is my Dad. Just had to throw that in. Thanks Dad!

I love this.. Ode to Melly Cat, my fabulous friend

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars." -- Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Crumply's

I've been really going through a lot lately. I'll admit that turning 37 is messing me all up. My boyfriend wants to have a kid. Yes, a child. With me. He will MARRY me. I closed that window. I never craved motherhood like some people do. I never have heard the tick of my own biological clock. I listen for it.. Still nothing. I feel strange because of this. Am I emotionally shut down? Numb? Been predominantly with the "wrong guy" thus far, knowing I could never trust them to father any child of mine, so I just turned that switch to the off position? I have sucked up alot in this life, hardened up to deal with the most difficult of men. Tony had me followed by the Hell's Angels one night to see where I was "really" going. I woke up to a fax that had all my personal info and where-abouts sent by "Dirty-D". Johnny used to drink a lot when I first met him. He ran around the farm with a loaded shot gun trying to shoot the wild horses one night. I had to talk the gun out of his hands. Sean used to slam his head against a wall and scream when he was frustrated- which was often. Father material folks. I am not opposed to having a kid. Zac said "The best thing you can do for a child is love their mother" or something to that effect. He would be responsible, hands-on, committed- I believe. But what if he's NOT??? What if this girl, this 37 year old girl, that can barely deal with her outdoor cat, ended up alone with a small appendage and a dried up massage career? Oh man. My friends with kids are warriors. Brave soldier-etts. The whole damn thing scares the daylights out of me. I can't even write about it anymore. Did I mention how ENORMOUS my boobs will be? OK, honestly though. It is nice to imagine a family with Zac. I see all the potential there for cute-ness and the passing on a bit of us and our histories to another little life beginning- not letting the buck stop here- so to speak.. but Holy Mary. WTF??? He better sell a screen play soon. I'll be needing a nanny and a baby nurse. Ha-ha. Just joshin'.
My horror-scope said this:
"If you are like some Aries, you may now be ready to finally start your family - a sweet little baby may be in your future. You've come a long way over the past two years, a time when taskmaster Saturn toured your pregnancy sector. If you delayed the start of your family, there seems to be no further reason to do so. Even though you may feel trepidation about getting pregnant and being responsible for a new life, your chart shows you are more ready than you think you are."
No shit, it really said this. I had already written this post and then went to check it at www.astologyzone.com the worlds most accurate astrologer.
I asked my friend Sarah if I could post her e-mail response to me and she said yes. Here it is.

Anyways, read yours, or as much as my attention span could handle, it's weird, when it's not personalized-to-me writing it is hard for me to stay focused.
Ok, now you may not like what I have to say but I just want to represent some other ways of thinking, maybe bs, maybe insightful...
I have two good friends-C (fell out of touch) and M- who have no interest in procreating. C has known her whole life that she does not want a baby, she loves kids, just not for her. And she married a man who feels the same way and lives happily in Cuba writing for Lonely Planet. M has just gotten married to my friend B and they both agree there too. They are not like torch-barers or anything, they just dont want kids.

I for one have mixed feelings, as you know but one of my theories about your confusion, or questioning, is that we as a species, as all species have an innate, primeval drive to procreate, to survive. The thing is, this no longer makes sense as far as survival goes,it could even be leading to our extinction. So we are intellectual enough to know that we do not need our genes to carry on, yet we have this inexplicable desire to not only do that, but mother, coddle, nurture, experience the wonder, survive through our offspring, etc.
So where does this leave us? I for one can say that I feel it is selfish to have children (so many times have I heard the "I'm too selfish to have children" thing, it is the opposite)It is unnecessary, extravagant, vain, driven by the fear of mortality, and all too often unrealistic and carelessly whimsical as far as accountability for the actual life that we can foster for another human being, individually and communally.
That being said, I want to have a child because I want to experience the entire process, I cant imagine being left out of that life experience (selfish). I also love this blink of an eye life and therefore want to gift it to someone else (no guarantee they willl love theirs). Besides, I have the nonsensical drives too, to mother, nurture, coddle, etc. I know I dont want to do it alone, but accept that this is not something I can have control over, I'm sure most single mothers did not plan it that way. And lastly it is appealing to think about the bond it would create between me and my lover (and this is the most un-thought-out, unrealistic, and selfish part of the parenthood equation)
As for your theory about you not wanting them before because of the men you have been with, I get it, I have been with them too, but I have also been with men who I knew would be wonderful fathers-T, T, even B. I got a little worried with the importance that you were placing on this only because you never wanted a child before. If you were just holding back because of the men, and all of a sudden thinking about it just because of this man's desire, it scares me a little, like you should want one regardless, because you have to fully and totally accept that you may be left alone or without him with your child. You have to want one regardless. However, I realize that you can change your mind and someone can inspire you do live a life you would never dreamed of, and ride off into the sunset. And you have to consider and explore your lover's needs/wants/dreams/goals/ if you are committed to a future together. Would he not marry you if you didnt want a child?
Ok, enough ranting, bedtime for bonzo, tell me what you think.
I love you
Sarah

Look at this jawline!

It's not because of him. I needed a new keyboard. My blog silence. Here's to me showing that I'm not afraid of a bad pic along side a good one. Delicious, just divine. This is the shirt I met him in. He sat in the passenger seat on the ride home from this night out and in a sing-songy voice said " I'm in love with youuuuuu".
I drove home quietly with tears in my eyes.

Pinned and observed

So, I was all fired up to write a whole entry on the cons of this relationship and all the ways sharing life with another challenges me on a daily basis.. Then we had this AMAZING, epic night together last night and now I don't care as much about those little pain in the ass things he does. I, of course, had a "I'm a loser, have nothing, don't know what I want to be when I grow up" freak-out sessions and he looked straight at me and said "My whole life I have prepared for the worst. I was disappointed often, shipped around to different family members, learned to suck up my feelings and assume some defensive position against the future. Then I met you and I watch how things always work out for you in crazy, mysterious, ways and how you really have faith, and you really get back what you project, and I want to be like you. So relax, lighten up. You will be FINE. I have no doubt. Who loves you Baby?"
(He's fond of that last sentence. He says that alot. It's cute. It's fun to say "you do!")
Isn't that a nice thing to hear?
I'll write later about how impatient he can be, how immature, quick to react, throws around the awful word "whatever" when he wants to stop a conversation that is uncomfortable for him, and other charming traits. I'll write later about how my free-spirited self has been pinned to a piece of felt and I panic every other day about being so observed by another human being. I wanted someone to care if I got home safe and to know where I was, etc.. Be careful what you wish for. Now I grit my teeth in the middle of the night when he says "Where are you going Baby?" and try not to scream "To the bathroom! Where the hell else would I be going at 4 am numnutts?" I swear he asks me that. Not just once either. Several times.
I also need to say that I have never had a boyfriend that got jealous before. I always felt like I must not be worth someone even being possessive of me. Really, I just chose to be with free-thinking types that considered jealousy to be silly and trite-"the heart is big enough to love many, blah,blah.." Point or no point, I wanted someone to be jealous of me, not want to lose me to another, etc. Well, guess what? It's not all it's cracked up to be. Here is another over-used sentence in my home. " Relax, he's gay" Even if they aren't- they are now. Sorry straight guy friends.

Because you said I could

My mother, Jenn and my dear friend Melly have all told me it's OK to write about being in love. They have given me permission. I guess I needed it in a way. I don't want to cheapen it or fuck it up. I don't want blow a bunch of damn dandelion seeds in the air. Sometimes once I write about someone or declare it's reality it disappears on me. I'm not kidding. Like, instantly. I think I have actually jinxed love before by journaling. I also haven't written because I just COULDN'T. Lazy and distracted, unorganized in my thoughts. I'm getting a better idea as to why. I'll share it now. All of it. At least I'll try.
I'll start with the good stuff. The delicious details. You asked for it. Don't worry the crappy stuff is right behind it. I'm going to be totally honest here.

My boyfriend wakes me up by saying "Good-morning little peanut" or "Hi little one".

He says "I love you" first. I get to say "I love you too" for once. I get to say "too". This is a big deal. Men in my past haven't let those 3 words slide out very easily.

He is always available. He always answers his phone. He does what he says he's going to do, shows up on time, lets me call whenever I want as many times in a day as I want and he never seems annoyed. He calls more than I do anyway.

He is so very smart. I believe he has a photographic memory. He can tell me today the 17 letter Ethiopian dish we ordered last night, only having ever seen the word that one time on our menu. He has a head full of facts that blow me away. He quietly says in a humble voice "I know things.."
Yes he does. I'm going to send him on a bunch of game shows and start milking this untapped cash-cow.

He is so together. He is a minimalist. He has 4 pairs of jeans but they are the best kind. He has 7 shirts- the sexiest vintage cowboy kind and 2 expensive dress shirts. Nice T-shirts that are all hole-free and attractive..
You get my point. He is clean, organized and calm. You should see him cook. It's like it never even happened. So graceful, no mess, no rushing, and the finished product is always to die for.

He just did the 10 day cleanse with me. We finished 4 days ago. I actually have a boyfriend that is totally willing to be healthy with me and he is not even a hippy! FAR from it. He is just conscious and willing. We work out together. We have a work out SCHEDULE. If this gets messed up at all he is not very happy. He lives for regiment.

He lets me cry about nothing, just have a big-ol melt down about nothing and everything and he will just hold me in his huge arms and say things like "you done? You want to beat your fists on the bed and let some more stuff out? Come on, let it all out.."

His favorite thing in the world is pinning me down with all 210 lbs of himself and tickling me till I am screaming like a baby orangutan. He thinks it is the all time funniest thing in the world and I'm convinced that because I laugh that hard everyday, he has probably cured me of any diseases that may have been forming inside me. It's got to be healthy, all that daily laughter. Don't get me wrong, it is torturous too.

We were raised by our Mothers. Our smart, funny,independent, single, writer, reader, mothers.We get each other. We like the soothing sound of one of us typing while the other lays in bed listening because it reminds of of our mothers. Vmama is terrific. I really like her.

Did I mention I have never seen a body like his in real life ever? Not even in movies actually. It doesn't really mean anything except that it is just unbelievable. He's like a super hero! He's a vision. He's mythology. Again, I'm not even the type to care about a mans physique so much, I've dated all kinds- fat to skinny- short and tall... It's just worth mentioning. Seven times.

Now I've got to go massage someone -like, half a continent away (Where the fuck is echo park anyway and why am I doing this for like no $?? and with no brakes??)
Anyway- stay tuned for part two. The "other side of love". Yes my friends we all know there is one.

Non-post

I haven't written. I can't seem to. I have 700 thoughts a minute that want to swim forward to this open screen-sea but they get diverted everytime.
Here I am again right now. Stuck. Does anyone want to read about my being in love? Probably not. Does anyone want to know I've been sick and poverty stricken and sick again? Definitly not. I don't know. I'm sleepy, trying to not cough, again. Worried
about money and totally thankful for this incredible man sleeping beside me.