"if you don't want to do it twice, you probably shouldn't of done it the first time"

There are only a few nights like Saturday night in a person's lifetime. Another one for me was June 2, 2006.
The moon was huge, the house majestic and the people seemed to be hand picked as the best Los Angeles has to offer. It is agreed that this party was one of the best ever.The food, the entertainment, the DJ, the pool temperature, the gorgeous full moon hanging above the canyons, the fog show that rolled in through them at dusk and then cleared for night time... Truly amazing. Then as if it couldn't get any better, a vision of sheer RIDICULOUS beauty suddenly appeared at the edge of the jacuzzi sporting a black cowboy shirt and a mohawk, a chest the size of "The Rock", and a smile that could kill small animals, and said "Hi sweet pea". Good God. Sorry, no pictures but believe me, it's silly, mad, illegal kind of manliness. The rest is like a an Anne Rampling novel.
He even quoted my favorite Dorthy Parker poem to me, which is well, HOT, and the fact that he is a writer is well, Hot, and I don't care if I sound like a total idiot right now because you would too. Trust me.

Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful;

You might as well live.

D.Parker

Drinking on the job

Yes, this is my life. This is my job.. Notice the expensive french champagne I get to enjoy at the same time? I only do that at his house actually.. We've become close friends. Just thought I'd take a minute to appreciate California, my job, the good life.

my little creatures

naked art

When I was a kid my mother had a poster that said, " when one is not rich you either buy art or you buy clothes" and a tall naked woman sat in a room surrounded by paintings.
Today I bought my very first painting. My friend Melly is a fabulous artist. We have started having "arts and crafts" nights at her house sometimes. We paint tiles and our newest thing is to paint old records. They come out really great actually. Melly is the sister of a certain rock icon. Her brothers’ music is such a huge part of my life, the soundtrack to my days living in SF and my serial relationship with Sean. Some 20 year old the other day said “who's Alice in Chains?” and my mouth dropped open. I’m getting old. She has great stories, and some not-so-great stories about that time. Those boys sure knew how to self-destruct. Sounds like they still do, if they survived.
My Mom bought pieces of art from her friends over the years. My favorite artist is a man that we were friends with in Oregon when I was a kid. We lived on a piece of land for a while in the mountains off the coast of South Beach/Newport. We lived in a huge wooden house with a family and several other people lived in other spots on the property such as the barn and in a tree house. We all piled into the most gorgeous sweat lodge every Sunday that was large enough to seat 15 people or more. It had tiered seating and an oak slide at the top that plunged you into freezing cold fresh mountain water at the base.
After doing the sweat Rick Bartow and his band “Knee Deep” would often set up on the land and play the blues for us. He has become a renowned artist and the piece my Mom bought from him is my favorite in her collection. He loves to paint crows and the crow has been a special symbol in my life for many years. I love the black shiny feathers and their intense dignity. I even took care of an injured one when I lived in Santa Barbara. A school mate of mine came up to me in high school and handed me a painting of a crow she had done and said "It's a portrait of you." She wasn't aware of my connection with them at all. In fact she and I had never really spent any time together so the fact that she painted a picture for me at all was odd. I shlepped that around until the mold got to it in Hawaii.
I bought this painting from Melly because it represents so much. Business,hustle and bustle, the confusion of dating, urban life at large. It looks sunny in it's color and almost as if it is raining.As if smeared and reflected sky in puddles.
I will write more later now that blogger seems to functioning again!
Pic 1- Ms. Starr herself( best last name in the world!)
pic 2- the art I purchased from Melinda- U da' best, werd up.
Pic 3- My latest finished piece
Pics 4-7 Rick Bartows art

Snap Peas are deeeelicious

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feeling squeaky clean and bright eyed, in love with life and everyone I know.
Produce has never tasted so fucking good.

Day Eight

I'm kinda ready for this to be over now. I miss food. I miss food with friends. No one wants to hang out with someone who isn't drinking or eating. I miss stopping for an afternoon coffee. I miss my red tea and even my vitamin B drops. I feel great, I'll make it to day ten but I'm HELLA bored.
Here are the food goals I have set though.
I will bless each meal. It is proven that it increases it's nutritional value.
I will refrain from all white flour and white sugar.
I will eat slowly and really enjoy it.
I will eat TONS of veggies.
That's not too hard. Not after this, nothing is.
I'd like to say I'm quiting coffee but I'm not. Forget it.

Day Seven

Can anyone believe I have gone this long without food? I sure as hell can't. I'm pretty proud of me. I massaged the greatest guy yesterday. New client. He was happily married, a writer for "Lost", a triathlete that did Iron Man on the Big Island. We had a great conversation. He said in a totally non-sleazy way "do you get hit on while you're massaging people, like, all the time?" It was a nice way of him telling me he thought I was cute without breaking any rules. We got in a conversation about relationships and how he met his wife and he said " Don't worry AT ALL Stef, he'll find you, he will." I thought that was a sweet thing for someone to say who just met me.
I find it funny that the said "heart breaker" said " you shouldn't be thinking about me with another woman during this time of your cleanse." WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I GONNA THINK ABOUT? I can't numb my feelings with food or alcohol so I just have to face the pain. Yes, I meditate every morning, I do oil pastels every night, I work my ass off all day, I organized all my paperwork, I read great literature, study quantum physics,... I think I am doing pretty well considering but to ignore the fact that the close friend I had I lost to someone else named STEPHANIE (because I can't be around him without wanting to punch him) hurts like fuck and I am not going to put that out of my head right now. I want answers without having to ask questions, I want peace and closure without losing anything precious to me (him). I want things I can never have. Not with him. This sucks donkeys and I am not going to pretend it doesn't.
I can't wait to spend a month in Hawaii in December. I can't fucking wait to go to SF next month. Hopefully I get to see the Bee Charmer. He makes everything tastier. Just like honey he is.

Day six

My last entry included the lyrics to one of my favorite songs of all time. I think it may be one of the happiest, most good-feeling songs out there. My Mom informed me that it too, is one of her favorites. I miss Jon. I think he's in Boston for his beloved Grandma's funeral. We danced on top of his coffee table drunk a few weeks ago singing along to that song of ours. We have done so probably 50 times. In fact, I think I'll play it now while I write this entry. Pause pause... Ah, that's better.
It's hard to type when my head is bobbing.
So here I am beginning day 6 of the cleanse. It's been a roller coaster ride. Hold on, I need to dance.
I wish I still had the cow bell Sean gave me for my 23rd birthday. So romantic.
" I'm just an animal lookin for a home...."
OK, I'm back. So anyway, day 6 without food. I'm over the half way point. I have massaged like crazy for the whole time even with raging headaches. I feel so clear. My brain is working so fast, I can calculate quickly, access memories with vivid clarity and recollection, my sense of smell is RIDICULOUS. I can smell the TYPE of fish my neighbor is grilling and what spices he used.I smelled mold in my expensive pillows so they're gone now. I can breathe through my nose and mouth with ease for the first time in 2 years. My WAY skinny jeans fit.. That won't last but it gives me something to aim for while I'm eating food again. It's nice to look in the mirror and like what I see. I can't believe someone else isn't enjoying this! (T! You loser!)
The lucid dreams are crazy too. I'm dreaming about everything and everyone. I sleep like a stone too though. Lights on, TV on, I'm crashed out. I wake up refreshed at 6 am. Leo and I are finally on a similar schedule. "Meow meow mew mew" doesn't bug me so much at the butt crack of dawn. (Whose Dawn? T would say).
Lastly, my new found creative medium, oil pastels, have gone to another level I think. Art is so loving, it's like pets and babies, it doesn't care how old you are or what you look like, or notice your bad sides, it just loves you back without question.

This must be the place

Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - burn with a weak heart
(So I) guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing

Hi yo I got plenty of time
Hi yo you got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up & say goodnight . . . say goodnight

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home - -she lifted up her wings
Guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time Before we were born
If someone asks, this where I'll be . . . where I'll be

Hi yo We drift in and out
Hi yo sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head Ah ooh
Talking Heads

Day three begins..

"Inspiration comes forth from within. It's what the light burning within you is about, as opposed to motivation, which is doing it because if you don't do it, there will be negative repercussions. Motivation is making myself do something that I don't really want to do. Inspiration is having the clear picture of what I am wanting -- and letting Universal forces come into play to get the outcome."
Abraham-hicks
I liked today's quote. It makes alot of sense. Am I inspired to write or motivated? Inspired.
Let's recap.
I ate only homemade veggie soup with TONS of organic veggies, garlic, jalapeno pepper, ginger, cayenne, parsley, and cilantro on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Monday and Tuesday I have only had sea salt water in the morning and then the lemon concoction all day. This will be the case until the end of Wednesday the 18Th.
The headache I experienced on day one and half of day two were nothing short of horrific. Still even though the pain was so present, and other circumstances regarding my same ol' broken-hearted-ness, my outlook has been amazing. I love waking up naturally at 6 AM. I love feeling light on my feet again and in full awareness mode. When you are not eating ANYTHING, many things happen.
This is such a meditative experience. I am always taking care of myself, monitoring my physical and emotional meter. It's a strong feeling of self-love, these extreme circumstances that I am sticking to for my own importance, it feels good.
I miss food and coffee but I'm not DYING to have it or feeling all that hungry. In fact when I have gone into stores to get distilled water or something, all the food looks disgusting and toxic. This is not the case at Whole Foods, therefore I cannot even step into that store for another 7 days. The lemon, maple syrup, and cayenne are supposed to provide enough calories and nutrition to keep you from extreme hunger and it works. I think about making Peet's Coffee and it seems so decadent right now. My appreciation for delicious rich food is renewed. I love rich, creamy, salty, food. Hopefully now I can enjoy small amounts of it and really stop and slowly enjoy it instead of wolfing things down. God, if I didn't massage for a living I would probably be HUGE. I saw this chubby teenage girl eating french fries with such vigor yesterday it was scary. She could not eat them fast enough. She truly looked like a junkie getting her fix after days without.
My bond with Jacqueline is at an all time high. We are in touch every few hours for phone support and its terrific. When "circumstances" regarding the "heart-breaker" occurred yesterday she was right there too. She and I have the ability to throw ourselves int he other persons shoes, access how it would feel and the also give an outsiders loving perspective. That is the kind of friendship that never goes away. People can be so lazy and self-centered with one another. My friends never are. Not my really close ones.
I filled my house with plants and flowers and candles.(coincidentally my client gave me a beautiful glass aromatherapy candle last night. She knew I loved the one she always had burning so she got me one. What a sweetheart. I have the BEST clients).It smells delicious and looks divine too. An old "friend" came over last night for a visit and he got tears in his eyes when he saw my house. He kept saying how good it feels in here. It does. I love it too.
I hope this cleanse catapults me into a new behavior. I would like to try eating raw for a while but it is a huge lifestyle commitment that seems more confining than freeing at times but maybe I'll try it. I'll tackle that subject after these next 7 days are finished.
My body looks good. I haven't felt that way for a while. I think I lost about 6 pounds already and I'm walking or stair climbing everyday (except for day 1,the headache was too debilitating). This is good. I'm really enjoying this time.

This house is clean

So here's the deal. One of my dear friends of many years, Jaquelina, and I are on day 2 of tapering off the food intake. We will be eating pretty much veggies and seeds until Monday wherein the TEN day Master Cleanse diet will start.
The master cleanse website
This means, NO FOOD, only a lemon,cayenne,maple syrup concoction. I haven't done this since I was 19, living in Isla Vista, and madly in love with Greg. We were each other's first true loves. I'm not sure I have been loved like that since.
He could be such a pain in the ass though. If you think I can whine... never mind. We are still friends, he lives here in LA. He really is a fantastic guy.
Anyway, I remember how good I felt after the first two difficult days. The headaches and lethargy is replaced by an incredible sense of well being and unbounded energy.
I don't know how it will be to massage under these conditions but hopefully not too bad. I am eager to do this. I feel like I am really ready to start this process. Jaqueline and I are a good team too. We have the same intensity about things. After watching "sicko" I feel more than ever, that I want to be in control of my health. I don't want to rely on this medical system or on the "relieve the symptoms/mask the real problem" method western medicine predominantly lives by. I would much rather spend 250$ a month on healthy foods, delicious tea's and acupuncture. That amount of money (which is what I have been quoted by Kaiser) would make a massive impact on my over all health.
So, wish me luck! I am not looking forward to the 32 Oz's of salt water we are to drink each morning for, you know, intestinal cleansing. EEgadds.

18 reasons Ojai will be my home someday

"Meditation Mountain" where my prayer "please God please help me stop being a jealous little bitch." was said. See older posts if you are confused as to why.
It totally didn't work BTW...Well, maybe a little.










Love love love you guys!!!!

Appreciation

I cant stop singing "it's a cat in a box"... When he sleeps there in the planter. (Reference to Justin Timberlakes SNL "It's a dick in a box" song/skit.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0OoCC3Wzrg
(make sure to Copy and Paste links into your search bar.)
If you haven't seen it get ready to laugh your ass off.]


We would begin saying, "I'm not ever going to get it done. I'm an eternally expanding Being, and I'm doing great where I am, and I'm so eager about what's coming." That's the essence of the vibration that keeps adventurous things coming, keeps you feeling always excited, stable and secure, keeps you feeling in love with life. All day, every day, count your blessings! All day, every day, make your lists of things you appreciate. And as you keep activating what is working in your life, then more pleasing things on all subjects will flow to you
Abraham daily quote I receive everyday in my
e-mail.If you would like to receive the daily quotes go to:
http://www.abraham-hicks.com/dqsubscribe.php

My appreciation list for today:
1. My home is so comfortable and cute, a hidden treasure, an access to nature right here in one of the largest cities in America.
2. My cat didn't need stitches or a disgusting abscess tube.(thank GOD)
3. Oil pastels in the morning outside with Peet's French Roast Coffee (there is no substitute).
4. Old friends contacting me after 13 years. (oh Tara, great to have you back!)
5. Hot, super intelligent men I have known or still know in my life. You make the world a better place. Sorry if you didn't make the list. You may have to work harder. Ha Ha Just kidding.
My thanks to:
Geoff Tyson
The Haa Brothers (amazing genetic pool)
Braden Klug
Todd Prather
Mike Scalzi
Anthony Perez
Jeffery Pounds
Larry Solav
Lawrence Griffin
Jasper Graham
Deeeeeee-licious
I sure have had a great week. Hell, a great life.