Love

I am not feeling particularly motivated to write today but I am going to give a shot at it anyhow. I want to explore a rather large subject, one that involves every facet of human life and love. It has been hard to tackle this entry but I will try.
There are some perspectives that I have gained in my 20 years of dating and some internal debates that seem to have sometimes grid locked me between the intellectual/mental traffic and the emotional.
I will attempt some of these very personal perspectives here. They are my personal truths as well some emotional pitfalls.
This is a very open attempt at uncovering my true desires as well as letting go of the need for external emotional feedings we all seek from the many different types of relationships we engage in throughout our lifetime.

I believe we are here to create more life everyday. Period. We are creators. We collectively create, conclude, make rules of reality to live by and then they change. This is evolution. Our reality changes itself based on the contrast of new desires born of old ones.
I believe we are here to create and to do so because of the sole purpose of giving and receiving love. People do everything they do to feel better while they are here. Nothing feels better than love and acceptance.
I believe that true love and acceptance is the opposite of fear. I believe that we only acquire unfufilling, destructive forms of relationships when we are motivated by our fear of not feeling safe and therefore choose to act from a place of control rather than a place of unconditional acceptance of ourselves and another.
In every situation we can ask "am I doing this from a place of love or from a place of fear?" and immediately, without delay our bodies and our minds know the answer.
We can choose an unconscious path, not ask that very real question, behave out of fear, and then spend alot of time finding our way back to love. Abraham says "most people would rather be right than feel good." I have found myself flopping back and forth between acting from this clear perspective and then slipping back into fear in a remarkably ritualistic way over the last ten months.
I know that nothing is real until we make it so and we make a choice every moment about what that is going to be thus creating our lives ourselves. No one does that for another ever. No one can make you feel good or better without you deciding to receive "good and better". I have a friend that I went back and forth with romantically for the last 13 years. He could have the world at his feet, all systems go, huge amounts of love offered and still he flat out refused to be happy at times. He could find the one tiny thorn in a garden and then lie there bleeding and blaming.
In my stronger times I could walk around and past him with joy still in my heart, gratitude regarding everything in my own life, and provide a healthy compassion for him without it draining my own resources. Other times I was in a living hell. I begged for mercy from his all encompassing depression and pleaded for him to be willing to feel better so that I could. I eventually found it harder and harder to not to go to that place with him. I would beg to feel the fun again, the high times we experienced from a meeting of the mind, the chemistry, the familiarity of each other as family,... He would sink away in a blink of an eye. I tried every tool and angle but nothing ever worked for very long. I love him, I honor what we shared, but walking away saved my life. I thought for a long time that I was going to be stuck in a place of "damage repair" forever. I thought I was incapable of healthy love. I really just loved the good stuff, loved loving, I still do.
I'm happy to say that the people I have shared my heart with in the last 3 years have been amazing men. Just because it didn't "last forever" doesn't mean it didn't "work out". It worked out just fine for that allotted time and relationships once created are eternal. They become part of our information. The collected information that is us. I don't always feel that way obviously. Sometimes I feel abandoned, sometimes I feel resentful that the circumstances are cheating me out of something I deserve. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly setting myself up to not share life with another because it is for others that are more entitled for some reason. But life is not like that. No one has a guarantee, no matter what it looks like from the outside. Most of the couples I've known that seemed to have a guarantee aren't together anymore.
So here I am. I have spent time with someone for 10 months now. It has been predominately good. It is a relationship based, almost always, on acceptance, kindness, mutual mental stimulation,recognized good heartedness of one another(trust),and profound sexual chemistry.
What I have not been able to accept are these things:
Less time with that person than I would like.
WHY?
Positive answer: I function well in a relationship. I am motivated by a sense of partnership. I can move mountains for those I care for when focused on mutual goals thus moving my own mountains. It is easier in this life to accomplish with the power of two rather than alone. I have fun with him, I laugh, he laughs, we explore, we cerebrate and question, we are inspired and curious, we share physical ecstasy.. Why wouldn't I want that more?
Negative answer: Because my place in life seems more validated with the mirror of reciprocal love in front of me. Because I feel safer with the strength of his character around to pick up the slack of not trusting myself to do things alone.
Wanting to be the only person in his life sexually.
WHY?
Positive answer: Because it is intimacy. It is a sacred loving bond. It is a combining of energy that creates a life of its own. Because it is physically safer to not have many sexual partners in this world.
Negative answer: Because I feel that takes away from what he feels for me. Because I am scared he will fall in love with someone else and disappear forever.Because I am afraid he will be more physically attracted to another and I will feel "not enough".
Conclusion: I am complete no matter what. I am beautiful no matter what you think. I am enjoying my own company most of the time and that is a blessing. I am alone, ultimately on this eternal path no matter who is around and for however long. I am fully capable of achieving anything I want and I know it. I have been truly blessed with incredible, pure souls in my life who are motivated by giving and receiving love and laughter. I am in control of this viewpoint and can access it on a dime if I am conscious and allowing.
I am never finished trying to achieve this perspective, I will fall and get back up. I will create new desires after I have fallin. It will always be challenging and then easy. I will never give up.

Wake up call

This is my favorite artist ever. Yoshitomo Nara

This is how I feel right now after my phone session with the psychic/soul retriever lady, Diana. To be continued.

Health

This is a great site for anyone with health questions
http://jonbarron.org/
He covers everything.

continued- Manhattan Beach Weekend.

If I were a talk radio program I would have said "wow, the call buttons sure lit up on this one!" Jon will be happy to know how much e-mail I have received regarding his picture posting. I actually did it as a joke on him but I have a feeling he'll secretly like it. Jon was my very first friend when I moved here. Someone referred him to me for massage and when I walked through the door of his house I already felt like I knew him. We sat on the floor going through his Cd's after the massage and playing our favorite songs. He burned me three Paul Weller Cd's that day. He took me to the Reefer Madness movie release party and we had a blast. He does lighting and photography. http://www.blackburstla.com/ . We spent the rest of the summer paling around together and dancing to Talking Heads "This must be the place" over and over in my West Hollywood studio. (The loudest apartment known to man. It required a sleeping kit. I thought "Rage" was a restaurant I would be living above when I moved in on a Sunday at noon. In reality it was a gay nightclub. Wow I'm smart. That was a very long year.)

Jon is ridiculously obnoxious. His accent is so thick that luckily, I could just listen to him talk all day, because well, I do. I don't have a choice. He always says "quit talking while I'm interrupting you."He likes to engage everyone in conversation. It drives me nuts. He has to observe everyone and what they're doing and then interact with them. It makes me want to duct tape his mouth. Somehow he gets away with it all because of that Boston accent. He yells stuff like "Hey dude, at least I gotta girl, you gotta backpack!" Jon, shut up please!- me, hiding in the bushes... HOWEVER, he is so much fun and the heart this man has is golden. We say I love you back and forth like 7 times a day. I like a man that isn't afraid to say "I love you". My Dad is like that. It's refreshing. We actually lost touch for a long time, it's great to have him back. It's really fun too because he lives in Manhattan Beach which is like "Sweet Haven" (Popeye) with butt loads of money. I've never seen a town like it. It doesn't even seem real.

We had mimosa's in plastic cups on the beach yesterday morning. Love ya, Brutha.

And Ladies... We are just friends, FYI. I had to keep you guessing.

And to you Claire, the one that always keeps me accountable(see comments), I downloaded the forms today to be a certified massage instructor. It's a long process so wish me luck. I know it's what I have to do. I'm very excited and I think a client and I are going to open the school together on the Malibu coast. We have some great ideas and I don't want to talk about it too much, I just want to get going on this. So that was my goal today and I did it. Yesterday was make it through three massages without dying of lack of sleep and early AM champagne. I finished at 11pm and thought I would surely never wake again once my head hit the pillow.

Weekend in Manhattan Beach

Jon at 40 and drunk
Jon at 21, Boston Italians. Adios mio!








I'll ljust leave everyone guessing for the moment. Ha ha!
Will return after work. Why can't I just blog all day?

Song for Mike and Story of my pet "O"possum

I wrote this song for Mike a few years ago. It was one of those odd times I woke up out of deep sleep and grabbed a pen. I love it when that happens. It only occurs about three times per decade or so. He was so sad about the end of his relationship and I was trying desperately to end mine. I gave it to him and after he started reading it, in his rock-boy fashion "says "oh God... " like, "you sappy dork"(his lyrics are EPIC, they are nothing short of historical, so I knew what I was getting myself into) yet, this is the same rock-boy that held me while I bawled in his arms on top of his roof looking out at the SF lights. I just remembered how scary it was climbing that ladder to get up there. He used to scale telephone poles after the "Casa Loma", our local watering hole back in the day, closed down at 2 AM. He was always crawling around on and climbing up things. I got in a bad car accident on the I-5 not long after writing this. I was heading North though, leaving L.A.- Still be careful what you write! Train wreck, car wreck, south, north. Whatever. Anyway, he pretty much saved me. We totally bonded during that time. One time I said in a fearful, weak, moment " What if I broke my thumb? What if I got really sick and couldn't work, what the hell would I do??" He said " You would stay with me, I would take care of you." That, is friendship.

Southern bound train wreck
Face down with a bleeding
Seahorse on my neck
You weren't what I expected
Never met who I thought I'd known
Took my feet along cold rocks
To carry out my soul.
Romeo found me in the fog
And pulled at my sweatshirt hood
Like a silly monster dog
He called me names to sex his word lust
And I felt like a queen covered in highway dust
He knew what love took
And what it took away
So many stolen lovers
Hidden in shallow graves
He is a man among many
But really many men
The human body
is much too small
To hold them all in
He is the strongest rope
I've ever been offered
But in his strength
There is nothing softer
I tried to balance on a string before
Believing in its lightness
Sure that less
was really more

He knew what love took

And what it took away

So many stolen lovers

Hidden in Shallow graves

On a different note. How cute is this cottage? Here is a day shot and a night shot. This is where it all goes down. The opossum intrusions, the squirrel fights, the crow SCREAMS.

I know some of you know about my opossum problem but for those of you who don't.. Here is the gruesome story.

I woke up a few weeks ago, about three in the morning thinking "that's not how my cat eats." I know that sounds strange but I sleep in a loft that looks over the downstairs living area. The cat bowls are down there and Leo is free to roam in and out via the back door. This is a decision I made a long time ago. My cat was wild until he was about 4 months old. He fended for himself as a kitten and there is no way I could live with myself trapping him inside. My yard is huge and surrounded by trees. That would be wrong. There are real dangers to this of course. There are streets he could cross above, there are coyotes, and mean neighborhood cats that want to fight with my sweet little baby. I told him one day "Hey dude, you're on your own life path. I have to trust your instincts and left you be free. If you get hurt I'll be crushed so watch your back homey, make Mama proud." So, that's where I'm at. So, I wake up to this horrifically slurppy style of eating, grab the flashlight and see this scene: Leo is sitting about 5 feet away looking calmly at the opossum eating his food. The opossum is big and white-ish with a rat looking tail that made me want to barf. I scream and hiss at the thing and he turns, looks up at me like "what?" and goes back to eating every last drop of food. He then saunters out, practically strutting. The thing is. He had really cute eyes. Really cute. Regardless. GROSS. So do I trap Leo in or out at night? I want him to be able to come inside if a coyote comes but he'll keep me awake if I keep him in. The opossum is always around. I hear it every night, I see it hanging in the yard under moonlit night skies. I looked them up on the Internet and apparently they are marsupials and protected. There are opossum societies. It is illegal to harm them. Not that I would but still. It came in another night DYING of thirst. I mean it drank a huge bowl of water. Again, GROSS. So, I started putting out it's own food and water and it stopped breaking and entering. Every morning the bowls are empty. It's a small price to pay I think.

The Teachings of Abraham

The Teachings of Abraham - in case you don't feel like navigating the website right now.
Here is the essence of the Abraham-Hicks message, distilled from workshops with Abraham since 1986.
You are a Physical Extension of that which is Non-physical.
All-That-Is, or God, is not finished and waiting for you to catch up. You are the leading edge of thought, here seeking more: more of all that feels good to you, more of that which is fresh and gloriously uplifting. (You are, in essence, bringing heaven to earth.)
You are here in this body because you chose to be here.
You wanted the opportunity to experience this delicious contrast in time and space, and with great anticipation you came to co-create with other joy-seeking beings, to fine-tune the process of deliberate thought. (What, where, when and with whom are your choices, too.)
The basis of your life is Freedom; the purpose of your life is Joy.
You are free to choose to discover new avenues for your joy. In your joy you will grow; and in your growth you will add to the growth of All-That-Is. (However, you are also free to choose bondage or pain... but everything anyone chooses is only because they believe it will help them feel better.)
You are a creator; you create with your every thought.
You often create by default, for you are getting what you are giving your attention to wanted or unwanted but you know by how it feels if what you are getting (creating) is what you are wanting or if it is not what you are wanting. (Where is your attention focused?)
Anything that you can imagine is yours to be or do or have.
As you ask yourself why you want it, the essence of your desire is activated, and the Universe begins to bring it to you. The more intense your positive feelings, the faster it is coming to you. (It is as easy to create a castle as a button.)
You are choosing your creations as you are choosing your thoughts.
Your loving Inner Being offers guidance in the form of emotion. Entertain a wanted or unwanted thought and you feel a wanted or unwanted emotion. Choose to change the thought and you've changed the emotion and the creation. (Make more choices in every day.)
The Universe adores you; for it knows your broadest intentions.
You have come to earth with great intentions, and the Universe constantly guides you on your chosen path. When you are feeling good, you are, in that moment, allowing more of that which you have intended from your broader perspective. (You are Spirit Incarnate.)
Relax into your natural Well-being. All is well. (Really it is!)
The essence of all that you appreciate is constantly flowing into your reality. As you find more things to appreciate, your state of appreciation opens more avenues to more to feel appreciation for. (As you think you vibrate. As you vibrate you attract.)
You are a creator of thought ways on your unique path of joy.
No one can limit where you can direct your thought. There are no limits to your joyous journeys to experience. On the path to your happiness you will discover all that you want to be or do or have. (Allowing others their experiences allows you yours.)
Actions to be taken and money to be exchanged are by-products of your focus on joy.
On your deliberately joyous journey your actions will be inspired, your resources will be abundant and you will know by the way you feel that you are fulfilling your reason for life. (Most have this one backwards, therefore most feel little joy in their actions or their possessions.)
You may appropriately depart your body without illness or pain.
You need not attract illness or pain as an excuse to leave. Your natural state coming, remaining or leaving is that of health and of Well-being. (You are free to choose otherwise.)
You can not die; you are Everlasting Life.
In grace, you may choose to relax and allow your gentle transition back into your Non-physical state of pure, positive Energy. Your natural state is that of Foreverness. (Have fun with all of this. Lighten up! You can't get it wrong.)
P.S. It is not necessary for even one other person to understand the Laws of the Universe or the processes that we are offering here in order for you to have a wonderful, happy, productive Life Experience for you are the attractor of your experience. Just you!

Be happy first!

It is said by "Abraham" (my spiritual advisers, Law of Attraction teachers, enlightened spirits residing in the light of oneness beings... OK, here is the link because after twelve years I don't know how to explain channeled spirits without sounding totally insane.
http://www.abraham-hicks.com/) that nothing is more important than feeling good. Nothing brings more of what one wants to create in their life in faster than the simple state of well being, going with the flow, and being happy. "Be happy FIRST. Everything else will follow." This I know to be true. When I am in a peaceful place of joy and appreciation the massage calls come in like wild fire, people I love call me all day, and unexpected miracles, large or small, excite and surprise me.

That being said here are my personal ways in which I gently pull myself into happiness. This also falls into my "goal a day" entry as this will be the first day I get back into my routine that I had slipped out of in my (self-induced) sad debilitation.

1. This tea is amazing. The little store on Fairfax is one of my little pleasures. This woman is like the embodiment of Maturna. I want to sit in her lap while she brushes hair out of my eyes.

Anyway, the blissed out feeling this tea provides is nothing short of magic. Nothing like anti-oxidants to help a life. (10 times the amount green tea provides BTW, with no caffeine)
African Red tea or "Rooibos"









http://www.africanredtea.com/
"Studies conducted at the Institute for Science of Aging at AICHI Medical University in Japan, showed Red Tea to contain Super Oxide Dismutase (SOD) - an outstanding antioxidant and prime fighter of free radical damage. As a result of their studies, they termed Red Tea "an ANTI-AGING BEVERAGE," which can significantly help COUNTER THE AGING PROCESS.It has been prescribed for mild depression, nervous tension, digestive problems, and insomnia.
Minerals in Red Tea include iron, potassium, calcium, copper, zinc, magnesium, fluoride, manganese, sodium, and is also rich in the flavonol Quercetin, known to increase capillary strength. "

2. Omega 3's and 6's.
Almonds and flax seed oil. Sprouted Ezekiel bread. A mood booster you can feel immediately. Do a search on Omega's and you will never want to be without them.
My personal breakfast is a toasted piece of sesame sprouted Ezekiel bread with a thin layer of almond butter and then flax seed oil drizzled on top of that. Yummy and oh so healthy.

3.Walking.
No need for a gym. Just fricken' walk. I love it, it changes my body in 3 days, and it's not hard on the knees.

4. Ahhhhhhhing. ( I can feel Claire laughing at me)
I have this CD that is by Wayne Dyer. It is called "Meditations for Manifestation".
Ah is the sound of creation. Buddaah Allaah, Gaahd(God), Jah, Krishnaaahh, get it?
Anyway, you chant AAAHHH for 20 minutes while visualizing what you want to create and let me tell you, when I am consistent with it, the shit works.
http://www.amazon.com/Meditations-Manifesting-Morning-Evening-Literally/dp/156170315X/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-5460616-0252605?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1181861345&sr=8-1
At night you are supposed to OMMMM for 20 minutes. This is chanting for all that you have and all that you are. Gracious and complete. Unfortunately I always fall asleep or forget to do it. All good things in all good time.
These are really everyday goals but since I have slacked so bad, I needed to throw them in now.
And yes, I did clean the hell out of my house yesterday but, truth be told, I still need to hang up all these clothes. Hey, I went out last night though! I actually met up with a group of guys and went to the Cat Club and the Red Rock. I did it. I socialized.

Goal a day.

As part of my Blogging experience I decided to add a "Goal a Day" posting. This is an attempt to hold myself accountable in my desire for completion and discovery of "delayed gratification". This section may be boring for my readers but since that basically only includes my parents,so be it. OK, and maybe Claire, Charlotte, and Jacqueline.
My goal today is to clean this cabin like a mad dog. I want any waded up pieces of Kleenex used for sad days gone. Empty packages that once housed evil carbohydrates thrown out. Today is a new day. My Mothers psychic told her in an e-mail that "I have lost a piece of my soul." She's going to help me get it back, thank goodness, come Monday. Can't go through life with part of my soul dismembered. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Is that why my love life sucks so bad? Or did I lose a piece of my soul because of my love life? Which came first the chicken or the egg? Picture provided by my hilarious friend Michael Vash.

http://www.vashdesigns.com/
He called and left me a message saying "Hey, call me back after you finish giving happy endings to the elderly". Ha ha. Real funny. Twelve years and counting. No happy endings as of yet, not going to start now.

It's pretty obvious to me,by the looks of things here, that the egg did.

Is Cruella De'vil cute?

Yesterday was strange. I didn't think I was projecting any energy into the world that was attractive AT ALL... but I got three interesting communications. One was a text from a guy I talked alot to on-line (the only one, ever, to this day) over two years ago. He was coming back to LA after taking a job in New York. He hated it and was excited to return. We met up when he got to town and he was so clearly angry at everything in his childhood, amongst a million other things but always stated things like " but I'm a really happy guy" or "nothing ever bothers me" while clenching his teeth. It was quite strange. He was holding on for dear life to his strategy. Anyway, we never contacted each other after that first meeting, I think I received a couple forwards in my e-mail box from him only. So, last night he text's "Hey cutie how you been?" We have dialogue for a while and he eventually say's "So, I'm pretty buzzed wanna come get me and let me spend the night?" Um, no. He never received an answer. I mean come on dude. Then about an hour later another guy texts. OK, now this guy and I met at the famous Rainbow bar on Sunset. He is GORGEOUS in an Anthony Keatis kind of way but even better looking. We were sitting next to one another at the bar, both of us with friends on our opposite sides. He says " Hi, I'm Geoff, with a G" I said "I'm Stefany, with an F". He says "Hi Feffany". It was pretty funny. We exchanged numbers, went out, had a totally non-emotional, verging on cold, physical relationship for about a month or so. I stopped it to remain dignified.
He is in a band, plays guitar with his best friend Joe Satriani, BLAH, BLAH, HOLLYWOOD, BLAH. He looked so hot on his motorcycle though. He sure knew it. We didn't talk forever and then he hurt his back and I started massaging him once in a while. We never really talked when I did, it was ridiculously professional, and it was as though we had NEVER seen each other in a sexual way. We were both into the massage therapy. Period. It wasn't even uncomfortable, it was just professional. It was very respectful in a way. So he text's me last night from out of no where at 11pm "Booty Call! You around cutie? "
I sort of appreciated his "no mess around" style but it sure was out of left Field. I wrote
" Ah, Geoff, not now I'm trying to heal my broken heart, maybe later when I'm not so sad."
"Oh that's awful, I know how horrible that is, let me know if you just need someone to talk to"
( are you serious dude?)
"Thanks Geoff, right now I just want to hide under the covers."
"Anytime, you and I are kindred spirits."
" I think so too"
:)
OK, I wrote "I think so too" because well, I was so caught off guard and I
thought am I missing something here? We don't even act like friends when I massage him. I mean, he's rocker guy, he's not nice really, not mean though either. Just Mr. cool guy.
Maybe he booty called the wrong person? Maybe he meant he was broken hearted too, hence the need for "booty"? I don't know. It was weird. Then a certain someone (T!) texts me today "Hi cute drunk girl" What's with the fuckin' cute deal? Whats with these guys actin' all sweet? You're all freaking me out, stop it. Maybe the key is to be a hater? Goes against all my beliefs. Maybe it's just a summer thing. Who knows.

Lazy, Pathetic, Hater

It's beautiful outside. I can feel the activity. People are at Saturday events, enjoying the weather, each other. My friends are at the Ojai wine festival, others at their beach house in Santa Barbara, another is jogging on the beach in Malibu. I look at my hands on the keyboard right now. They don't look the same. The little lines and dryness are new. They look like someone else's hands. They have worked hard for me, they have lived, over-exposed with me in sunny, vacation-type cities and island get aways, they have given relief to muscles and pulled roots from muddy water. They have wiped a million salty tears from my face, they have clenched pens for hours and typed out the contents of my head. They ache sometimes, but they have always ached less than one would expect by now. I am totally distracted. I can't read, can't get in the shower, can't go get my car washed, can't call back the people who are waiting. I'm too tired to do anything too awake to sleep. I need to clean the cottage, unpack my suitcase still, hang my clothes. Music I love isn't moving me right now. Television is as useless as usual. Sometimes it does the trick when I feel like this but not today. I want to do oil pastels but I can't seem to drive to go buy the paper I'm out of.
I feel pathetic and lazy. I have to work later and that feels practically impossible.
I'm just sad. I miss my friend. I hate it that I know what the right thing to do is and I'm doing it. I can't see him because it just delays the pain I will eventually feel again. I can't rush to join his invitation to spend time together because it won't be free and easy anymore. Our ship has sailed, completed it's course. Maybe in a year or so we can meet on a different sea. It's so hard to make wise decisions, be smart, focus on my solo future and know that following my bliss isn't always an instantly gratifying thing. Follow my delayed bliss. That is what I'm doing. Besides if I saw him I'd be so angry that he is "very casually" dating someone"who doesn't even live here" named "Steph". That is so fucking gross. Explains why he wrote "Steph" to me instead of "Stef" in a recent e-mail. "Steph" is not invited to my different sea. I know he misses me but too bad. He should invite her to the Ojai wine festival instead. We will be friends again if I don't see him. If I do now I'll probably get arrested for shoving corks in his eye sockets

Sloughfeg rules

http://www.myspace.com/sloughfeg


Last night after massaging some big shot Hollywood producer guy in his living room, surrounded by 15 million dollars worth of art (at 10pm BTW!!!! He didn't seem to think that was an odd request) I bolted out of there onto highway 10 to Hollywood. Why? Because SLOUGHFEG, my homies from SF were starting off there summer tour here. Can I just say that these guys rule. Their stage performance, their musical ability (truly genius), their intelligence, their energy, is unlike anything I have ever seen. Mike works that gold-topped Les Paul like no body's business. They played a great show and then came over to my little cottage for a sleep over. My horrible nickname for 17 long years is "Steaky". Someone thought it was funny drunk at a bar one night and it stuck. Sometimes it's "my little sirloin" and other terrible renditions. So they said we had a "Steak over" not a sleep over. Or "Steak out", that was popular too. Conversations were like this at 2 am on my living room floor.


Mike "yeah, the drummer from Fuel called for a reference"


Adrian: "A heavy metal reference?" Laughs all around.


Stef " Hey Mike remember when we stayed at Mikeys (who is gay) and you called your sleeping bag a "manbag" so no one could come in with a "man-opener"?? More laughs.


Good times. Mike and I kept everyone awake as usual laughing in bed like 7 year olds. This is what 4 guys look like in my cabin. Something is wrong with my very special camera. It's making me very nervous.
They are off to Phoenix! XO love you guys!

castles and sand 2

Part 2
OK, this is the second shot at writing this entry as I lost the first one. Note to self: Always write entries in Word and then bring it over to blogger. Plus my grammar will be better with their “no idiot, that isn’t how a sentence is structured” tool. Spellchecker just isn’t enough blogger.

I had every intention of leaving at 1 pm on Friday for my road trip up the I-5 to the Bay Area. I had enough morning time to buy a dress for the wedding in Calistoga, get my hair done, and pack. Then I get a call from my friends who rented a fabulous condo on the beach in Malibu for the summer. “Stef come over! We miss you!” I had just finished a million deep tissue massages and though it was 9:30 I was too amped from physical momentum to go home. BIG, BIG, MISTAKE. Loser here drank 7 or so glasses of French champagne and slept there. I woke up evil incarnate. I was so hung over I thought I would surely die. I was useless. Sub-useless. I left at 8pm (post LA traffic, that was the earliest possible, welcome to California- you can never leave. At least when you want to.)
I arrived in Oakland at 1am, crawled into bed with Bridget as I have a hundred times before, though this time a little Julian slept in between us. I woke up in the morning to him staring at me like “who the hell are you and why are you in our bed?” Then I quickly became his best friend. Kids, they can’t get enough of me I swear. Bridget saved my ass with her stylist ways and had me looking like a movie star by noon. Thanks Sister, you always come through. I rushed to Calistoga in time to get on the shuttle that took us to the castle where the wedding/reception was held. This was the third event to be held there since its completion. It took 17 years to build it. Magnificent place.
This was an event like no other. The amount of money represented there was beyond words. If the hairdresser for the family, and the landscape architect guy weren’t there I may have felt out of place. Ha, ha. Luckily I knew about 60 guests there because nearly every client from both northern and southern California, were there. They are all connected, and I don’t mean cosmically. Someone came up to me and said, “I can’t believe how many people here you have seen naked”.

I didn’t drink(for a couple of reasons), only stayed until 10pm and then drove for 2 hours to Stinson beach. I had about 10 feet of visibility on curvy, foggy, highway 1. It was so eerie, dangerous, and cool. Huge yellow moon, I love those times. I had missed a whole day at Stinson; I wasn’t going to wait any longer to get there.
I would like to say that it was just as fabulous as ever. Sarah, Charlotte and I had sooooooo much fun. I adore those women beyond measure. I respect them enormously.
Did you hear what I said? “Sarah, Charlotte and I”. Yes, it is true. ALL OF OUR FRIENDS HAVE CHILDREN. WE ARE THE ONLY ONES LEFT. We used to be joined by at least 50 people. It was a huge reality check for me. I do not want kids. I don’t. (Recently, 2 couples, who I consider devoted parents in their 60’s have both looked me straight in the eyes and said “ I love my kids but if I could do it over again, I wouldn’t have them”.) I LIKE that I can journey around California like a rolling stone.

This is Charlotte with her dog sugar wearing a pink camo hoodie "so no one can find her in the pink forest".

So, the times they have’a changed and it is what it is. The beach was great. I really needed that peace to help me heal my broken heart right now. I left home at a good time. I couldn’t be sad a minute longer. If I get told one more time that I am an amazing woman by a man that doesn’t want a relationship I’m going to chop my head off. I am clearly not amazing enough. AND I have serious commitment issues myself and attract men worse than me so I can blame them for not complying. What a tiresome ordeal this has been. Mom and Dad, BTW, this is your fault. I deserve an apology for fucking me up. Just kidding. You two are cool, just not poster children for a successful relationship, that’s all.
The next leg of my adventure consisted of visiting all my dear goddess friends who were absent at Stinson due to their having gotten wet and multiplied. Just like Gremlins. (Ha ha, that’s gross Stef) Meaning, they had kids. Here is my child tour photo show. I love my beautiful friends. You are all the good, best stuff of my life, the air I breathe.

Look at my God daughter Devin, in the pink. Edible. Actually, Alex deemed Sarah and I both "God Mothers". Really. We were both at the baptism. It's actually an official thing. Sarah always says "fairy God Mother's" on accident. I told Sarah " this is the closest were gonna get to having lesbian life partners".

castles and sand -part one

I really can't be trusted to write at this time with the whirlwind week I have just had and the late hour but I want to express while the experiences are fresh. Tomorrow is a brand new day and who knows where this little leaf will whip off to. I still need to share last weeks adventures.
My metaphorical approach to everything is really annoying when I just want to write my stories in a clear way. Take my mother,Annette, and my friend Charlotte http://charlotteswebbing.blogspot.com/
(funniest blog ever!) for example. They can tell you who they talked to, what each sentence of a conversation was exactly, while explaining their surroundings, and giving some history as well.I just give over-all feelings of a situation you know very little about. I attribute this to three factors 1. I am impatient, require instant gratification in most cases, and love pressing the "done" button before I should because finishing things is not my strong suit. I am the first sign of the zodiac for goodness sake, a leader, a beginner, not a completer. I am ruled by Mars. A red hot masculine planet that blasts through quickly. 2. I can't type for shit so I just get annoyed. 3. I can't remember what everyone says. How do they do that??? Oh wait, 4. I am just a fluffy, gooey, person and I love to share feelings. My entire career has been based on this so at least I have found a way to make it useful. I always thought I should just get paid to make friends and bond with humans in general because that's what I am best at. Massage therapy is as close as I could get.
So, the 21st annual Stinson Beach party was this weekend. I pretty much live for it. My friends Sarah and Charlotte (sisters) share their family beach house with us every year for Sarah's birthday party. Here are some pictures from past gatherings.

This is considered "part one" because I just lost about 8 paragraphs of writing. I hit "control c" for "copy" and everything disappeared but this top posting. Damn, I was on a roll and now I'm DONE. Very annoyed.