Love

I am not feeling particularly motivated to write today but I am going to give a shot at it anyhow. I want to explore a rather large subject, one that involves every facet of human life and love. It has been hard to tackle this entry but I will try.
There are some perspectives that I have gained in my 20 years of dating and some internal debates that seem to have sometimes grid locked me between the intellectual/mental traffic and the emotional.
I will attempt some of these very personal perspectives here. They are my personal truths as well some emotional pitfalls.
This is a very open attempt at uncovering my true desires as well as letting go of the need for external emotional feedings we all seek from the many different types of relationships we engage in throughout our lifetime.

I believe we are here to create more life everyday. Period. We are creators. We collectively create, conclude, make rules of reality to live by and then they change. This is evolution. Our reality changes itself based on the contrast of new desires born of old ones.
I believe we are here to create and to do so because of the sole purpose of giving and receiving love. People do everything they do to feel better while they are here. Nothing feels better than love and acceptance.
I believe that true love and acceptance is the opposite of fear. I believe that we only acquire unfufilling, destructive forms of relationships when we are motivated by our fear of not feeling safe and therefore choose to act from a place of control rather than a place of unconditional acceptance of ourselves and another.
In every situation we can ask "am I doing this from a place of love or from a place of fear?" and immediately, without delay our bodies and our minds know the answer.
We can choose an unconscious path, not ask that very real question, behave out of fear, and then spend alot of time finding our way back to love. Abraham says "most people would rather be right than feel good." I have found myself flopping back and forth between acting from this clear perspective and then slipping back into fear in a remarkably ritualistic way over the last ten months.
I know that nothing is real until we make it so and we make a choice every moment about what that is going to be thus creating our lives ourselves. No one does that for another ever. No one can make you feel good or better without you deciding to receive "good and better". I have a friend that I went back and forth with romantically for the last 13 years. He could have the world at his feet, all systems go, huge amounts of love offered and still he flat out refused to be happy at times. He could find the one tiny thorn in a garden and then lie there bleeding and blaming.
In my stronger times I could walk around and past him with joy still in my heart, gratitude regarding everything in my own life, and provide a healthy compassion for him without it draining my own resources. Other times I was in a living hell. I begged for mercy from his all encompassing depression and pleaded for him to be willing to feel better so that I could. I eventually found it harder and harder to not to go to that place with him. I would beg to feel the fun again, the high times we experienced from a meeting of the mind, the chemistry, the familiarity of each other as family,... He would sink away in a blink of an eye. I tried every tool and angle but nothing ever worked for very long. I love him, I honor what we shared, but walking away saved my life. I thought for a long time that I was going to be stuck in a place of "damage repair" forever. I thought I was incapable of healthy love. I really just loved the good stuff, loved loving, I still do.
I'm happy to say that the people I have shared my heart with in the last 3 years have been amazing men. Just because it didn't "last forever" doesn't mean it didn't "work out". It worked out just fine for that allotted time and relationships once created are eternal. They become part of our information. The collected information that is us. I don't always feel that way obviously. Sometimes I feel abandoned, sometimes I feel resentful that the circumstances are cheating me out of something I deserve. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly setting myself up to not share life with another because it is for others that are more entitled for some reason. But life is not like that. No one has a guarantee, no matter what it looks like from the outside. Most of the couples I've known that seemed to have a guarantee aren't together anymore.
So here I am. I have spent time with someone for 10 months now. It has been predominately good. It is a relationship based, almost always, on acceptance, kindness, mutual mental stimulation,recognized good heartedness of one another(trust),and profound sexual chemistry.
What I have not been able to accept are these things:
Less time with that person than I would like.
WHY?
Positive answer: I function well in a relationship. I am motivated by a sense of partnership. I can move mountains for those I care for when focused on mutual goals thus moving my own mountains. It is easier in this life to accomplish with the power of two rather than alone. I have fun with him, I laugh, he laughs, we explore, we cerebrate and question, we are inspired and curious, we share physical ecstasy.. Why wouldn't I want that more?
Negative answer: Because my place in life seems more validated with the mirror of reciprocal love in front of me. Because I feel safer with the strength of his character around to pick up the slack of not trusting myself to do things alone.
Wanting to be the only person in his life sexually.
WHY?
Positive answer: Because it is intimacy. It is a sacred loving bond. It is a combining of energy that creates a life of its own. Because it is physically safer to not have many sexual partners in this world.
Negative answer: Because I feel that takes away from what he feels for me. Because I am scared he will fall in love with someone else and disappear forever.Because I am afraid he will be more physically attracted to another and I will feel "not enough".
Conclusion: I am complete no matter what. I am beautiful no matter what you think. I am enjoying my own company most of the time and that is a blessing. I am alone, ultimately on this eternal path no matter who is around and for however long. I am fully capable of achieving anything I want and I know it. I have been truly blessed with incredible, pure souls in my life who are motivated by giving and receiving love and laughter. I am in control of this viewpoint and can access it on a dime if I am conscious and allowing.
I am never finished trying to achieve this perspective, I will fall and get back up. I will create new desires after I have fallin. It will always be challenging and then easy. I will never give up.