Crumply's

I've been really going through a lot lately. I'll admit that turning 37 is messing me all up. My boyfriend wants to have a kid. Yes, a child. With me. He will MARRY me. I closed that window. I never craved motherhood like some people do. I never have heard the tick of my own biological clock. I listen for it.. Still nothing. I feel strange because of this. Am I emotionally shut down? Numb? Been predominantly with the "wrong guy" thus far, knowing I could never trust them to father any child of mine, so I just turned that switch to the off position? I have sucked up alot in this life, hardened up to deal with the most difficult of men. Tony had me followed by the Hell's Angels one night to see where I was "really" going. I woke up to a fax that had all my personal info and where-abouts sent by "Dirty-D". Johnny used to drink a lot when I first met him. He ran around the farm with a loaded shot gun trying to shoot the wild horses one night. I had to talk the gun out of his hands. Sean used to slam his head against a wall and scream when he was frustrated- which was often. Father material folks. I am not opposed to having a kid. Zac said "The best thing you can do for a child is love their mother" or something to that effect. He would be responsible, hands-on, committed- I believe. But what if he's NOT??? What if this girl, this 37 year old girl, that can barely deal with her outdoor cat, ended up alone with a small appendage and a dried up massage career? Oh man. My friends with kids are warriors. Brave soldier-etts. The whole damn thing scares the daylights out of me. I can't even write about it anymore. Did I mention how ENORMOUS my boobs will be? OK, honestly though. It is nice to imagine a family with Zac. I see all the potential there for cute-ness and the passing on a bit of us and our histories to another little life beginning- not letting the buck stop here- so to speak.. but Holy Mary. WTF??? He better sell a screen play soon. I'll be needing a nanny and a baby nurse. Ha-ha. Just joshin'.
My horror-scope said this:
"If you are like some Aries, you may now be ready to finally start your family - a sweet little baby may be in your future. You've come a long way over the past two years, a time when taskmaster Saturn toured your pregnancy sector. If you delayed the start of your family, there seems to be no further reason to do so. Even though you may feel trepidation about getting pregnant and being responsible for a new life, your chart shows you are more ready than you think you are."
No shit, it really said this. I had already written this post and then went to check it at www.astologyzone.com the worlds most accurate astrologer.
I asked my friend Sarah if I could post her e-mail response to me and she said yes. Here it is.

Anyways, read yours, or as much as my attention span could handle, it's weird, when it's not personalized-to-me writing it is hard for me to stay focused.
Ok, now you may not like what I have to say but I just want to represent some other ways of thinking, maybe bs, maybe insightful...
I have two good friends-C (fell out of touch) and M- who have no interest in procreating. C has known her whole life that she does not want a baby, she loves kids, just not for her. And she married a man who feels the same way and lives happily in Cuba writing for Lonely Planet. M has just gotten married to my friend B and they both agree there too. They are not like torch-barers or anything, they just dont want kids.

I for one have mixed feelings, as you know but one of my theories about your confusion, or questioning, is that we as a species, as all species have an innate, primeval drive to procreate, to survive. The thing is, this no longer makes sense as far as survival goes,it could even be leading to our extinction. So we are intellectual enough to know that we do not need our genes to carry on, yet we have this inexplicable desire to not only do that, but mother, coddle, nurture, experience the wonder, survive through our offspring, etc.
So where does this leave us? I for one can say that I feel it is selfish to have children (so many times have I heard the "I'm too selfish to have children" thing, it is the opposite)It is unnecessary, extravagant, vain, driven by the fear of mortality, and all too often unrealistic and carelessly whimsical as far as accountability for the actual life that we can foster for another human being, individually and communally.
That being said, I want to have a child because I want to experience the entire process, I cant imagine being left out of that life experience (selfish). I also love this blink of an eye life and therefore want to gift it to someone else (no guarantee they willl love theirs). Besides, I have the nonsensical drives too, to mother, nurture, coddle, etc. I know I dont want to do it alone, but accept that this is not something I can have control over, I'm sure most single mothers did not plan it that way. And lastly it is appealing to think about the bond it would create between me and my lover (and this is the most un-thought-out, unrealistic, and selfish part of the parenthood equation)
As for your theory about you not wanting them before because of the men you have been with, I get it, I have been with them too, but I have also been with men who I knew would be wonderful fathers-T, T, even B. I got a little worried with the importance that you were placing on this only because you never wanted a child before. If you were just holding back because of the men, and all of a sudden thinking about it just because of this man's desire, it scares me a little, like you should want one regardless, because you have to fully and totally accept that you may be left alone or without him with your child. You have to want one regardless. However, I realize that you can change your mind and someone can inspire you do live a life you would never dreamed of, and ride off into the sunset. And you have to consider and explore your lover's needs/wants/dreams/goals/ if you are committed to a future together. Would he not marry you if you didnt want a child?
Ok, enough ranting, bedtime for bonzo, tell me what you think.
I love you
Sarah