Him

I have been completely distant with blogger. I can't seem to write a thing. The truth is that it could be 1 of 3 things or all of the above:
1. I am so impressed with the writings of my new blog friend Jenn (as I was passing) and my talented Mamacita that I am shy these days. I want to focus! I want to ramble brilliantly! I want to remember the little tales of a day and gift people with details of my human mingling. I just can't seem to. Even e-mails are a chore, which immediately annihilates number one as a arguable reason for blog distance here.
2. I am totally confused about everything. I am sleeping with a man that could be the poster boy for "women in need of a hot, strapping, tall, dark, handsome, man call this number..." add and YET. I miss you know who. I MISS HIM. I miss the comfort. I miss the dependability (in his own weird way). I miss the friendship combined with passion. I mean, the dude held my hair back for 3 hours one night after I drank about 60 chocolate martinis. He brought bowls to the bed for me to puke in. He DISPOSED of them. He still slept with me again! I fell in front of the cab too, FYI. Didn't even make it to the door. I haven't EVER been that drunk in my life. He just kept saying, "it's the cream, it's the cream". Another time he drove all way to my house at 1am and took me to the emergency room for my black widow spider bite. He stayed the whole time sleeping in the waiting area. Once he loaded all the supplies in his car for my clients’ daughters 3rd birthday party and drove it all to the Santa Monica Pier. He even helped set it up and stayed to film the whole party for her. He had never met her but knew I was committed to helping and she was an important client of mine. We got corn dogs after we were dismissed and loved every bite of them.
He's the first guy/love interest I ever took walks with. Not the Sean kind where we would kill each other if we didn't take a walk in public to pipe down. These were real walks for exercise. We liked many of the the same books and movies. One time we took a 2-hour bath and took turns reading aloud to one another. Then we walked to breakfast in the sun. We went to a museum. We went on road trips. We took a class together(Sort of,I took it, he filmed it). We went out on the town together in Vegas, SF, and LA. We slept in a bunk bed at his Grandparents and woke up to biscuits and gravy. We liked each other’s friends.- I'm doing one of those crappy love story montages at the end of a sappy movie aren't I?
He called me about 2 weeks ago at 7:30 in the AM. His voice was quiet and sad. I miss last summer Stef, things were so simple and fun then". Yeah, me too, that was the stuff of life right there". We had a great talk that lasted over an hour. We both hung up elated at the idea of being friends again soon.
Then I went and fucked it all up. I'm having a crazy week. I drove to Ojai to a friends party and got really smashed on tequila, then got shuffled into Ojai proper for some of their friends going away party. I was soooooooo tired and drunk and who is standing there but T himself. We hugged, my legs wrapped around his waist like they do every time, automatically, for some reason they just end up like that. We got to the end of the bar to get a drink. About half way through my first SIP I knew I had to get out of there or I would start spinning. I said something drunk and horrible like " take me to your house right now". He said "no, I'm getting a drink for Terra and want to hang out for a while". (BTW it was only 10pm; I thought it was like 1AM). This was an outrage! Not leave with me now? Goodbye! The rest I am too ashamed to write but it involves a careless act that I never do. I am truly ashamed. I drove on very curvy, windy, back roads in that condition. It was so scary what I had just done that I was completely sober by the time I got to the 101 south and was back in my bed in LA by 11:30. I was in a lot of trouble once that cat got out of the bag. Six cell phone calls later. "YOU ARE WHERE? HOME? STEFANY!!" I know, I bow down in shame. T's texts in the AM said, "I wish you hadn't rushed off, I was worried about you". "No you weren't". I respond like a child. Now, no more friendship again. He's exhausted. I'm exhausted.
To be continued.

OK, where was I?
See, the thing is this. It wasn't all great of course. He is moody and so easily distracted. He has this verbal strategy that is infuriating. I would spew off my deepest thoughts, be open and honest, and he would just nod and not speak. He could write me the best, most communicative e-mails but he knew better than to say what I didn't want to hear if he was in the same space with me. I saw a sticker yesterday that said, "think twice, say nothing" I think he must have invented that. I know his method was a good one for the most part but sometimes it was just torture. He also likes to disappear. When we got close he would run off for 4 days or more. I used to think that was always to reclaim his much needed freedom but now I see that he is kind of that way anyhow. It was just difficult deciphering his actions. Lastly, he could do hurtful things. He took another woman home to his family on Thanksgiving at the peak of our time together. They slept in the same bed and everything. He didn't ask what I was doing for the holiday or even say goodbye.
His parents set him up with a woman who has a two-year-old kid. Clearly the year he spent with me didn't matter enough to have ever talked about me to them. They were so eager to have him meet her. These things hurt bad. They are big awful things. They are 2 of several situations.
Would things be different if he wasn't mourning the loss of his lying, cheating, wife when I met him? I would like to think so. So, I have moved on in most respects but now that I am spending time with someone else who really is GREAT, believe me, but has .0002% of the depth, authenticity, and friendship we just shared. I am certain that T has experienced this feeling in his dating life again. I know I get calls after a weekend with her. I know he's feeling that loss too.
So I guess I have just been distracted by these thoughts of what now if not that? I’m OK alone, I am a little too good at it but people have said so many things to me lately about being single in LA. "Better work it out before you're 40 Stef! 50 year old men date 30 year old women here." Whatever, I'm not buying into that crap and if I do, someone tell me to move! I know a great little spot on the Sea of Cortez. A new client of mine who is 56 said, "LA is a trap, you'll never be able to make the same amount of money as you can here even if you don't feel like you're making that much now." It's true. I can see the trap.
The last reason I haven’t written until now:
3. I move on to the next day so fast, pack it in with stuff, and miss the little stuff to write about because I am done with that day. These character traits of mine are the same reasons I am terrible with money and can completely space out hugely important bills and stuff. IT SIMPLY DOESN'T ENTER MY MIND. Out of sight out of mind has never been so true. This is why I am much better in a partnership- Man, Woman, doesn't matter. It changes how my mind organizes info. It motivates me to "strategize" for two. Strange I know, but it is true.